Monday, July 22, 2013

The Hardest Thing--The Right Thing

My heart broke as Christina tried to finish "the letter" to her dear husband, Doug.  She wrote about her desire to write one final letter to Doug, asking God for help, apologizing for waiting so long to do it, wondering if she could complete it.  

I had watched Christina write many updates for her blog. Writing was never, never easy for her.  Hours of labor and soul searching went into each paragraph.  I always said, "Just write a little bit, a paragraph perhaps.  It doesn't have to be a book."  She never took my advice.  She labored and we all benefited from the beautiful truth poured out.  

Near the end of her life,  her brain was riddled with tumors and the process of writing was even more difficult. She could write but had trouble understanding the words she wrote.  Her last entry in her journal began, "I just read through my last journal entry and am laughing because of how jumbled it is."  In reality, her previous journal entry was well written and easy to understand but her brain had trouble deciphering the written word. 

So Christina struggled to write a final letter to Doug.  She closed herself in her room and spent hours and hours over several days trying to put into a Word document what was in her heart.  As I questioned her about her progress she would only say, "It's close.  I just want it to flow and make sense."  And all the while, she was probably making more sense than she knew.  Her struggle was really with her failing eyesight and her declining ability to perceive the written word through her tumor scrambled brain.  I longed to help her, to make it easier.  I wondered if her time would be better spent just talking to Doug instead of isolated and struggling with a project that seemed overwhelming. I wanted her to stop.  She did not stop.  She wrote and wrote until at last she broke down in tears and said, "I can't finish."  She felt so defeated.  Like she had waited too long and it was too late.  She closed her computer and never opened it again.

A week later, I picked up her computer, and printed off the letter.  I was worried that if the computer crashed, the letter that was Christina's last and hardest labor would be lost.  The letter was 6 or 7 pages long.  It was not finished.  It ended with an incomplete sentence.  It had no signature.  But it was priceless to me.  I folded it and put it in an envelope and carried it with me until Christina died.  Then I left it with Doug.  Tonight I asked him if the letter was important.  Here is his answer.

"The letter was God's way of using Christina to minister to every area of my heart.  She gave me counsel and direction for the future--for raising Isaiah and interacting with people.  The Lord used it for healing my heart and it is amazing that she touched every facet of what I was longing for."

It is very sobering to think that if I had my way that letter would never have been written.  Thankfully, Christina knew what she needed to do.  The price was immense.  The fruit of her labor was life changing for Doug.  I am very, very thankful she persevered and left such a valuable and costly gift.  Sometimes the right thing is the hardest thing.  I pray I remember that for the rest of my life.








14 comments:

  1. I am in tears as I write this, for I too would have somehow stopped Christina. I am continually trying to help things not be so hard for others and that isn't aways God's plan. I am thankful for you, JoDee--because you are allowing your loss to also be our gain in Christ. This journey is an amazing one when we truly stop and consider eternal life.

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  2. One of the things I am pondering is "these momentary, light afflictions". As a mom, I wanted to prevent all pain, all difficulty, all tears, all struggle. And then I have to deal with this verse. "These momentary, light afflictions are achieving for us an eternal weight of glory." It's another subject for another day.

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  3. Thank you for sharing your daughter and your amazing insight. This touches me deeply and has brought me so much closer to the God I swore was not there when my husband died suddenly.
    I eventually came to terms with it but it was 7 years of hell, depression, anxiety and fear.
    I.m not over the hump but I do know God walks with me and I hope someday to find the peace you, Christina and your family possess.

    Jan

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    1. Jan, thanks for sharing that difficult part of your journey. You have been such a continual encouragement through my own hard place--love, scripture, continual contact. My own thank you seems inadequate. I pray that you will know His absolute peace that cannot be explained. Much, much love to you, Jo Dee

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  4. "Sometimes the right thing is the hardest thing." Oh, JoDee, thanks for that reminder this morning as I struggle with fallout from saying/doing something that was really hard. When the battle is strong, it's so easy to question whether I did the right thing, but I knew I had to do it. Thanks for the reminder that we can't gauge the right-ness of something by whether it is easy, or by whether we can complete it according to our standards, or by whether it all turns out in the nice, neat little package we planned. Thank God that He is so much bigger than our plans and perceptions!!!
    Much love to you, JoDee.
    Carolyn

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  5. Carolyn--Great words. Why are we so drawn to the nice, neat little packages? I often find myself longing for the predictable. Living out of the box is difficult but it is where we find the true sufficiency of Jesus. Love to you, Jo Dee

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  6. Oh how I love reading your blog. I have followed Christina's journey closely...with wonder and awe...as she lived and died with such courage...and surrender. Thank you for allowing us all to learn from her by sharing your story.

    www.SomehowTheresPeace.blogspot.com

    Janice Walker

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    1. Thanks, Janice. And thank you for sharing your story and linking ours with yours.

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  7. Jo Dee, thank you so much for sharing Christina and her beautiful testimony. I didn't know her, but I did in a very special way. She was so strong even in her weakness, and through her words & struggle, has taught us to look forward to our glorious, eternal life with Jesus.

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    1. Thanks, Sara. It was very important to Christina that people knew that Jesus' power was perfected in her weakness. She felt very weak and inadequate and knew that Jesus received glory through her absolute surrender to Him in all things.

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  8. Jo Dee,
    Once again, you have touched my heart. What a blessing that you are now aware of God's perfect plan concerning the letter. It is amazing to hear how a young man with only a short time with Christina can have such wisdom and peace regarding their lives and that Isaiah is not to be pitied, but is a true gift from God with his own unique journey ahead. But, God...

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    1. Yes--He is in the middle of it all--for His glory. His timing in the 77 days and the agonizing letter and so many other things I know nothing about. I am learning to trust Him a bit more each day.

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  9. JoDee,
    It is such a gift to my heart every time I see a new post. I love how He is pouring into you and you give Him back to us. My life and perspective on eternity, this marathon, and every waking moment has changed for ever because of her willingness to ask for no shortcuts. He truly has given us a glimpse beyond the veil, which is really very sheer. :) What we do here on earth matters in eternity and impacts those left here for a while longer. Thanks for blogging all you have learned and experienced. I love you.

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  10. I love you, too, dear sister. Christina's "no shortcut" prayer is still very challenging for my heart. She really seemed to understand the truth that what we do and experience here is very important for all of eternity. There is so much rolling around in my heart that I want to write about--it's difficult to know what should be next:) Jesus knows. Love to you!

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