Pondering
Jo Dee and Christina
Mother and Daughter
On Earth and in Heaven
Christina's story of her journey with cancer is well-documented at her blog at christinaahmann.com. She was diagnosed with brain cancer in 2007 and left this earth on June 13, 2013. My hope in writing this blog is to share some of the profound lessons that have come through her life and death. As I read through her journals and process her final weeks, I am humbled to call her my daughter. I am learning how to live and I believe I have learned how to die.
Grief
Christina died four weeks ago and I intend to eventually share some of the great views of heaven she left us with. But for now, in my first weeks without Christina, it is enough to say that I miss her very much. But do I want her to be given back to us? No. She is with Jesus and she was so very excited to see Him face to face.
From Christina's journal, April 16th (3 weeks into hospice care)
"Lord, can I ask a simple, maybe even selfish request until the moment I go home? Will you somehow miraculously allow me to stay vibrant, coherent, clear minded, and fully able to feel you, express you, and maintain my own personality in this process? Oh, Lord, I can't imagine a better way to end my days--besides perhaps getting to lead someone to the Lord personally somehow. I pray that the way I go is not traumatic to anyone who might have to witness it. May it be peace, peace, peace. May it be a time where your presence is so beautiful, thick, and joyful that no one witnessing it or even hearing about it would ever deny you. Lord, please put the exact people to be there that need to be, for their own hearts, for mine, and for your biggest glory to be known. I so deeply trust you with this too, Lord. I don't wish to die, Lord, but I do long to see your face, and I feel it stronger every day. To be swallowed up by life, REAL LIFE. Thank you Jesus for this excitement. It gives me a bit of a skip in my step, even with an 'ouchie' back. :)
JESUS, THANK YOU FOR YOUR JOY!
I never expected or even knew that I could experience it now and in this powerful way. You are so kind, my Jesus. So kind. I love you." Christina
And so I have been asked, "Would you want her back then, without cancer?" Again, I have to say no because she said no. Much to my surprise, a year into her journey through brain cancer, she said she would not go back and have a "do-over" with no cancer. She said she wouldn't recognize herself. She treasured all that God had done and was doing as she dealt with life and cancer.
As I stand at her gravesite, I feel a life lived to the fullest. No time wasted. Every task completed. "Well-done good and faithful servant. Enter into the joy of your Lord."
I ponder.
I cry.
I worship.
I smile.
And I am very, very thankful to call her my daughter.
I look forward to reading more. Beautiful.
ReplyDeleteHugs and prayers
Jan
Thank you, Jan. I appreciate the love and encouragement.
DeleteI join the voices of many who say thank you Jo Dee to you and your family for sharing your story. I look forward to learning from you.
ReplyDeleteMichele, I am honored to share the story--it is really written by our Faithful Shepherd and I share gladly:)
DeleteJo Dee, I am continually thankful that you are willing to share this journey. Every time I read something from you or Christina, I am ALWAYS blessed, and ALWAYS drawn closer to Jesus!
ReplyDeleteAnd I am always so thankful for your support in so many ways--from NICU, meals, photocopies of important things, to the always ready hugs and tears. Thank you.
DeleteI long to keep learning the Christina-way-of-life-and-death. Even today her name came into a conversation as inspiration on living well. Her life will continue to instruct--and I know her amazing parents and family that waits to be reunited with her will continue a legacy of sharing Christ's love on this one-another journey.
ReplyDeleteSurrender always comes to mind when I think of Christina's life. I am hoping to write about that soon. Some of her last audible prayers were about surrender. Thanks for writing, Karen.
DeleteI have read and re read this several times. You have such a BIG spirit...HE is so big in you. In tears, of joy and still sorrow, reading your post. Christina represented an authentic person in love with Jesus since the day I met her. Her life continues to speak to me daily on how to live and love...as I almost have sensed, it's if she's 'right there' sometimes...maybe because so much of her was really Him, and God is always with us. Thank you for continuing to share YOUR heart and hers as well. Her story, His story's impact will never end. I can't wait to we all walk in fields of God together forever. Love you so. so. so much.
ReplyDeleteHi Stacy, I also sense Christina's closeness--she's probably joined the 'Great Cloud of Witnesses'--cheering us on. Much love to you.
DeleteI learned about Christina's story about 6 months ago through a mutual friend, Jenny Rose. I read Christina's blog updates and found her words tenderly touching my soul. You see my mom battled metastatic triple negative breast cancer for 7 yrs. It was a terminal diagnosis when it returned in her lungs and then spread to her brain. She was wrapped in Jesus' arms on June 29th. It all still feels unreal right now. Thank you for sharing these words...your words are tenderly touching my soul as did your daughters. Thank you for sharing your life and the light of Christ as you journey through road of loss. I know it interweaves with the road of blessing too. Words can't express the healing balm I have received from your family by your sharing words.
ReplyDeleteJune, you are the reason I share. This journey through death to see Jesus is a mysterious one. It does contain joy, victory, hope, and tears, grief, and loss. What God keeps asking me to do is to journey with His truth and Spirit as my companions. I pray that your days will be full of deepening communion with the One who loves you so deeply. Thank you so much for writing.
ReplyDeletelove :).
DeleteAs always, poignant, eloquent, beautiful. Like daughter, like mother :) Thank you for so faithfully magnifying Him. His presence ever at the center of your lives has brought more encouragement and beauty than there are words for.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Kathie. Thank you, Jesus.
ReplyDeleteI couldn't Finish it, I will try again later. My heart goes out to you and Doug and Doug and Jesse.
ReplyDeleteMickey
Try again, Mickey:)
DeleteI just recently learned about Christina's battle with cancer, and was directed to her blog by my best friend. Not only did her outlook and faith in the Good Lord amaze me, and make me wonder if, facing the same situation, I would be the same. You both are such great testimonies of God's true work in people. (I say are because while she may not be on this earth anymore, her testimony and her impact is still here.) May the Lord bless you both!
ReplyDeleteI say "are" also Joell. Thanks for the encouragement and thanks for the kind, kind words.
DeleteOh JoDee! Thank you for your transparency and willingness to share your joy and grief! What a testimony it is to the Lord's unfailing love, mercy and grace. I have thought and prayed for you all so much over the last month. It is good to hear your voice and what you are sharing from this journey. God is being glorified through you and the words He is giving you to share. I will look forward to hearing more and sharing your testimony with others. May the Lord continue to provide everything that you and your family needs moment by moment as you lean on Him, worship Him and praise Him!!
ReplyDeleteLove you much!
Kari
Thank you, Kari. I am so thankful for all the time you spent with us, helping in every way possible. You are an amazing servant of God! Much love to you.
ReplyDeleteI am Tomsan Kattackal from Bangalore, India. I am a Facebook friend of Jesse.
ReplyDeleteYesterday I spoke of Christina in our congregation and read out this post. Everyone was all of tears by the time I finished reading and they told me that they haven't heard such words of faith in the Lord.
We love you all. May God bless you.
.
Dear Tomsan, What an honor that you would read this story to your congregation. Please give them my love and greeting in the great Name of Jesus.
DeleteDear Jo Dee, I have kept the prayer chain up to date for the last year on Christina's journey and that of the family. It is such an inspiration to me and others. Her video spoke to my heart like no other. I praise God that all of you have been so willing to share what true faith really means. I pray that I could be even minutely as inspirational to others as you have been. God bless you richly!
ReplyDeleteJeanne (Russ's sister)
Thank you, Jeanne, for faithfully praying for Christina and asking others to pray. I think the beautiful message of Christina's life is that it doesn't matter how long you live or how healthy you are--what matters is trusting Jesus in all the large and small issues of life. His joy and peace are magnificent and not based on our circumstances. So much freedom in Jesus.
DeleteI love when People around me don't understand why I always have a smile ready. I love to share smiles and good thoughts with those around me and have since I was little. I learned about Jesus when I was only 5, and had to trust Him. My parents had split 2 yrs prior and I was heart broken, and shortly after I met Jesus, I had to move away from my Mom. Later in life, when I met Jo Dee and family, I learned more about the joy of Jesus love and the feeling grew in me. I have met many tribulations, and I have stumbled, and marched, succeeded and sometimes didn't feel successful, but I always know I can pick up and keep going, because whether I am up to it or not, HE always is. :) I treasure all my memories of living with the Ahmann family, and learning to love Jesus Every Single minute of Every single day :) Jo Dee, Thank you for being the incredible person you have let GOD mold you into. To Him be the Glory. Love, Michelle Thompson.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Michelle. We loved having you live with us. I am thankful Jesus has hold of you. He is such a great Shepherd. Love, Jo Dee
ReplyDelete