Wednesday, May 27, 2015

Can it Be Almost Two Years?

Sharing shaved heads with her brother.
It is hard to believe that it has been almost two years since Christina left us.  It seems like she was just here.  The pain of missing her is quite acute at times. I never know when it will sweep over me and I expect that will be part of my reality for the rest of my life.  I think there are many different paths of mourning and many different kinds of circumstances that affect our mourning.  I know that the length of preparation we had makes for a different kind of mourning.  We did not deal with the heart wrenching shock of losing Christina suddenly.  We had 5 1/2 years to prepare, to watch, to help, to wonder.  We had time to be together, to talk about life separated, to go on some amazing trips.  We had celebrations before we ever had to deal with a Memorial Service.  All I could think about at her various wedding events was the pure delight to gather with our friends and family and know that it wasn't about Christina leaving us.  

For the last two months I have had questions about this blog and whether or not it should continue.  

Enjoying Hawaii.
This morning I had a unique opportunity to process through those issues.  Some of you know that for the last 10 months I have been in training to become a life coach.  It's a field that I barely understood when I took the first training last September but I have become convinced of the value of coaching as it brings about clarity and direction.  I was in a telephone conference with my mentor coach and 4 other class members and our mentor asked to coach me in a coaching demo.  I brought this blog to the table for discussion.  Should I continue?  Should I wrap it up and consider it done?  What are my motives for continuing?  

The miracle hair grows back!
As my coach questioned me, I was able to express my concerns, my desires, my fears, and truth.  My concerns and fears all centered around motivation.  Any blog can be used in wrong ways.  The worst for me would be to call attention to myself or to meet some unsurfaced need for affirmation.  It can be very tempting to make life about people's responses or interest.  How many people have read a post?  How many responded?  If there is a lot of interest or response, it can foster pride and pride is the default nature of humans.  It takes about one second to move from humility to pride and great diligence to fight against it.  My desire is to write to draw attention to God's beautiful work.  My desire is to share the hope and joy of Jesus.  

There was also the question of ending a blog.  As I talked to my coach, I realized the most important thing for me is the truth of eternal life.  Christina's story is about eternity.  It is about the truth of Jesus.  It is the truth of John 3:16--Whoever believes shall not perish but have eternal life.
Christina's story is really a story that God wrote in her.  He worked in and through her.  He made himself very known in her final days on this earth.  He allowed Isaiah to enter this world.  I realized that Christina's story is not done.  Her impact continues.  Isaiah continues.  Those of us left here continue. And the truth is, Christina continues in the presence of Jesus. 

Two great things came out of my coaching session this morning.  
  • The owner of the story of this blog is Jesus--not me.  If He gives me something to say, I will say it.  If He wants me to quit writing, I am sure He will make that obvious.
  • I will continue to be diligent about my motivation for writing.  If self-serving or pride surface, I will repent and continue.
I look forward to writing as more of life unfolds and God shows us His amazing Glory.

Thank you all for reading and for sharing this story.  

(I hope you enjoy the fun pictures.)

On a cruise with Linsey--pre cancer.