Thursday, July 25, 2013

Surrender to Life

Surrender was a significant word in Christina's life.  Surrender can have negative connotations. It can sound like giving up--giving in. But in God's economy surrender to Him brings life.  Abundant life.  Because He is good.

From Christina's journal, August 27, 2012.  She was pregnant, facing another brain tumor recurrence and pondering her journey.

Five years ago--normal healthy life, exciting 20's, then headaches, financial struggles, and no more boyfriend.  God asks me questions.  "What if these circumstances never change?  Can you live with JOY?"
Fast forward 5 years.  Lived through my worst fear...scary body stuff...still in the thick of it.  Still have cancer, had one recurrence, now another.  How will I be a good mom and also deal with cancer and all its limitations.  Brain surgery and child birth at the same time?  Now the questions are, "Do you trust Me with your child?  With Doug?  Can you joyfully hand them over to Me?  Will you stop comparing yourself to friends and look to Me?"

Throughout her 11 weeks of hospice care, Christina continually surrendered different parts of her life.  Seven weeks into the final journey, (May 17th) she told me she was done trying to figure out details that don't make sense.  (Who is here?  What time is it?  What day is it?)  It was all too hard for her brain.  Really it was enough that she knew all of us and knew Jesus.  Thinking about Jesus always made sense to her.  So she moved to prayer--  "Jesus, I surrender all.  Teach me how to surrender all."  She prayed much more than that but I was stuck on her surrender. I've never seen anyone more surrendered and I wondered what else she could possibly have left to give to Jesus.

I could see that she gave up understanding all that was happening around her.  She had also given over the welfare of Doug and Isaiah and all her family to the care of Jesus.  She knew that He would care for us just as He had cared for her.

May 13, 2013
Now, it seemed likely that she was finally giving up her fear of being cared for as she died.  She hated the idea of being a burden to anyone.  From that moment on, she would mostly just smile and thank us for our care--for every little thing.  She didn't wallow in self-pity or shame because she needed help. Occasionally, she apologized for the fatigue she was causing but it did not grip her heart. And there were times she actually enjoyed the process.  When she needed help walking down the hall, she often entertained us with some try at a dance step or an extra intense "hold" on Doug.  

These surrendered days contained much comfort from the God of all comfort.  She often commented on how great her bed was.  She said it had "comfort built right in."  Now, she felt she was being cradled and carried in the most beautiful way. From her surrendered heart she told me one evening as I knelt by her bed, "We didn't know it would be this easy."  It did not seem easy to me but God was making good on His promise--"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest...For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."  Matthew 11:28, 30.  

Those around her had much to surrender also.  Our sense of timing, our needs, our hopes, our trust.  Christina led the way, giving much direction to those who had ears to hear.  She directed me spiritually several times--issues of timing, forgiveness, and joy.  One day (May 14th), she cryptically said to me, "I hope you enjoy every second of this. If you get robbed of it,  acknowledge it and say something."  She seemed to be very concerned about joy being a part of this journey.  She loved the joy that God had provided through these day--joy that was flowing in spite of our circumstances.  This joy flows out of the heart of God at all times.  She did not want my heart robbed of this treasure.  It was a difficult thing to ponder.  Joy in everything.  Joy that was hard to fight for.  Joy that defies explanation.  Joy found in surrender.  

Why do we resist such a gift?  

Surrender to life.

Surrender to joy.

Surrender to Jesus.






16 comments:

  1. AMEN! Well said, as always!

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  2. You are amazing, my beautiful friend, simply amazing how your words perfectly bring Christina's journey to life. I treasure every word.

    xoxoxoxo

    Jan

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    1. Oh Jan, thank you. When are you coming for a visit?

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  3. Oh, JoDee, thanks so much for this. I've just spent a couple of hours reading and crying and praying and re-reading it. It amazes me that no matter how much we think we've surrendered, there always seem to be more layers to surrender. I seem to be up against some big ones right now. . . God used your post to answer my prayer, "Jesus, I don't know how to surrender [this particular thing], but I want to." He reminded me that the basic question that always underlies surrender is "Do you trust Me?" Lots more for Him to do in me around this, but thanks for contributing this bit to the process. I'm so grateful for you! Carolyn

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  4. Carolyn, thanks for sharing your process so openly. Surrender seems to have to happen on the "unseen" side of things. We can't see the outcome. We usually can't see the purpose. And if it's really surrender, it usually isn't easy. I think that through the time of Christina's dying, I had to surrender so many of my ideas, my hopes, my plans, my "best". All the while, learning that He loves my heart, cares about me more deeply than I thought, and this--He does far more than we can ask or imagine. Much love to you, Jo Dee

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  5. JoDee,
    What an honor and privilege for us who were not able to be there with Christina to read these posts journaling her last few weeks! All of you have been such an inspiration throughout the last 6 and 1/2 years as we watched Christina walk with Jesus through this difficult journey. I have shared with so many her testimony of joy and being so ready to meet Jesus. It causes all of us to pause and think of where we're at. Your words beautifully describe this touching time and give us a glimpse of heaven. Thank you, again, for sharing!
    Love, Karen Pautz

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    1. Karen, it is a great privilege for me to share with you all the ways we saw God working around and through Christina's last days. I feel it would be wrong to keep it to ourselves. Our lives are changed, our faith has grown, and eternity is so very real. So much of what we learned will change not just how we die but how we live each day. Perhaps others will learn with us--all because one young woman dared to trust her great God.
      Love,
      Jo Dee

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  6. Surrender is the beginning, isn't it? Yes, arms raised in the universal sign of surrender. May I begin each day in this way. Thank you JoDee, for allowing us inside, encouraging us, and as Christina said, enjoying every second. May God bless you, your family, and the words you are sharing.

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  7. Yes, it is the beginning and we who still walk this earth must continue this process each and every day. Surrender is not a process I like very much. It is hard to let go of my agenda and my "rights" and my expectations. But I love the results--peace and joy. Peace from the God of peace and joy from the true source.

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  8. What a beautiful portrayal of Jesus Joy! Thank you again for sharing this journey, this joy journey! It has been an incredible gift to my heart and my family. Much Love, Cassie K

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  9. Thanks, Cassie. I love walking this path with you--
    Love to you and the whole crew,
    Jo Dee

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  10. Jo Dee, thank you so much for sharing. I am constantly amazed at various parts of Christina's journey. I am reminded too, of James words at the beginning of Chapter one... consider every obstacle with JOY, for in these obstacles our faith is perfected... Christina is a great example of this......so beautiful thank you Jo Dee for the difficult challenge of sharing these things.

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    1. Thank you for the kind words. I really saw Christina's faith being perfected until her dying day. It was my great privilege to have a front row seat for her journey to Jesus. And I am equally privileged to share it with the world.
      Much love,
      Jo Dee

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