Happy Birthday Christina!

Here we are for the second time...celebrating Christina's birthday while she dances in heaven. I smiled often while I was baking her favorite German Chocolate Cake.  Our little family will gather and enjoy some cake and some stories and some joy.  All around our home are reminders of Christina's life. So many beautiful things friends have given us.  And artwork that she created.  I am always astounded that I feel like she is near. 

Of course, there is always the continual reminder of Isaiah--such a reflection of Christina. His joy reminds me of her.  It is really, really hard to be in a bad mood when he is around.  Most of life is just pure delight to him.

 

Isaiah is thriving with his Mommy Susie and Daddy and brothers.  He knows who Christina is and recognizes her pictures and videos.  Not long ago, he was looking at a beautiful drawing of Christina and himself and asked Mommy Susie, "Happened?"  Susan explained that Christina had an "owie" on her head.  He asked, "Kiss it?"  Susan explained that Jesus made it all better and she is living with Jesus.  He asked, "Pretend?"  No, Isaiah, very real.  

Which reminds me of a great joy that I had last Friday.  I was asked to tell Christina's story at Olympic Christian School.  My intention was to donate the quilt that Christina's class made in the 7th and 8th grade (and we bought it at the auction.)  Before I began to tell the story and show the pictures, Lorie Oakes, who introduced me, asked if I would tell all the children what one phrase or sentence I would want them to remember from today.  I thought a moment and said, "Jesus is real."

I think it is easy to learn a lot about God and know so much and not really live like Jesus is real.  I told real stories from Christina at OCS.  I even told the now famous story of how she tied  her good friend Mandy to the tether ball pole and left her there after recess.  I also told the very real story of Christina getting ready to go with Jesus.  I told how she heard angels sing and I told how Jesus showed her the special dock he was building for her (because He knows just what she loved.)  I reminded them that Jesus said, "I am going to prepare a place for you.  If that were not so, I would have told you."  Even though we can't see what He is preparing for us, it is real.  And at the end I said, "Whatever happened to Isaiah?"  I introduced Susan and Isaiah.  My encouragement was to NOT FEEL SORRY for Isaiah.  Jesus took his mommy to heaven and gave him a beautiful new mommy.  It seemed those kids loved seeing Isaiah and loved the story.  I pray it stays with them--helps them to walk with less fear and more wonder. 

 Like Christina.

Happy Birthday, dear Christina!

 

 

"If I were going to die..."

These things are not easy--sorting a closet full of memories.

Some people simply do it in a day.  

Some people never do it.

There is no right way.

There is no easy way.

I had tried to start on Christina's closet at our house a few times.  It was too much.  I did not know what was important.  If it wasn't important today, would it be important in ten years?  How do you know?

I shared some of these thoughts with Christina's good friend, Linsey.  She offered to help me over Christmas vacation.  And then Mandy, Christina's other childhood friend, joined us.  I knew that Mandy and Linsey would know the meaning and circumstances of so much of this stuff.  

Christina was a saver.  It didn't take us long for us to throw away old papers from chemistry and math. 

 Old cassette tapes--mostly gone.  

Mask from radiation treatment--gone!  

Textbooks from college--thrift store.  

But there were some questionable things.  

Do you save all the high school and college annuals?  

How about report cards?  

How many of these quilts and blankets do we save?  

Other things were treasures.  The college letters from her brother.  The Mother's Day Card she made me when she was six.  (Why in the world was it in her closet instead of mine?)  The list of character qualities she was looking for in a husband!  Her art work through the years.  Stories she wrote.  Journals and more journals.

But there was one paper that stopped us in our tracks.  We sat and read it aloud.  We found a paper she wrote for a 9th grade English class.  The title was,

"If I Were Going to Die, Would I Want to Know It?"

It was hand written.  She received a "B".  I suppose the grammar wasn't great.  The teacher (I don't remember who it was) said her conclusion was "OK".  I smiled.  

Here are a few excerpts.  

"If I were going to die, I would definitely want to know it...

A lot of people say they wouldn't want to know if they were going to die because it would make them depressed and not enjoy the last part of their life.  I disagree. I think people can have many things they would want to resolve or finish.  They maybe would do all of the things they've always wanted to do, because they want to get as much fun in as possible.

How would you like it if you were minutes from dying and you and your brother weren't speaking because of a fight you had?  But it's too late to talk to him because he left town that night.  If only someone had told you that you were going to die, you could have worked it out and died in peace, but now it's too late.

If someone wanted to see a certain movie or go to one last Mariners game, they could do those things, because they knew they didn't have much time left.  They could enjoy life to the fullest.

A person could also do some risky things that they've always kind of wanted to do, like bungee jumping or sky diving...it's not such a big risk.

You can see now why I'd want to be told that I was dying.  I wouldn't have to miss out on all of the stuff I've always wanted to do.  I could resolve my arguments with family or friends, and most of all just be prepared for my death.  Sure, I might go through some depressing moods, but I would say it's definitely worth it."

I would love to talk to this teacher now.  I loved Christina's conclusion.  I thought it was much better than "OK".  For a 14 year old, I think it was pretty amazing.  I am thankful that God gave her such wisdom at an early age and enabled her to walk it out so beautifully.

I think of the motorcycle she enjoyed for a short time between the first and second brain surgeries.  No time to waste.  She loved motorcycles.  She bought a FAST one.  It's not such a big risk when your days are numbered.  I remember when she told her oncologist about her new motorcycle and the nurse said, "Oh is that on your bucket list?"  We were a little surprised at the question, but Christina took it in stride and said, "I've loved motorcycles since I was about 12, so why not?"

I think of Christina's care in keeping her relationships healthy.  I remember her telling me about working to forgive someone who had hurt her in her last few weeks of life.  She said she couldn't afford to have anything ugly in her heart.

She had such a desire to live life to the fullest--miss no minutes.  She loved the last 5 1/2 years of her life.  She was thankful for every day.  Even the hard ones.  She fought for joy.  She left us so much evidence of her deep relationship with God.  She worked out so many difficulties on the pages of her journals.  Such deep struggle and most of the time ending with a thankful heart.  Oh, I love that example.  

Thanks to Linsey and Mandy, Christina's closet is sorted.  Several boxes stacked neatly holding things that we think Isaiah might enjoy someday.  We are wealthy in memories, and Christina has left us so many treasures.  

A Christmas Gift from Christina

Uncle Russ and Jesse on Christmas Eve

My husband and I are traveling this Christmas Eve.  We pulled out one of the last CD mixes that Christina made.  If you knew her well, you knew that music spoke to the deep places of her heart.  The perfect song for the moment was what she was always looking for.  And then she would put on her headphones and worship her heart out.

She was also known for making appropriate mixes for her friends—if they were struggling, or if they were traveling, or just needed a little country music.  Receiving a “Christina mix” was always such a beautiful gift. 

And so we put in Christina’s last CD mix and made our way across the Snoqualmie Pass.

And we heard her heart.  Her heart that was so ready to see Jesus.  Longing to be with Him.  Willing to leave behind this world. 

Here are a few phrases from some of these 16 songs—treasures that display her heart.  I'm sorry I don't know all the names or composers of these songs.

“There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears.

We will see Jesus face to face.”

“Come to me.  You who are weak.  Let my strength be yours tonight.

Come and rest, let my love be your bed.  Let my heart be yours tonight.

Peace be still.  Peace be still.  Please be still and know that I am God.”

“Come all ye weary and ye broken.

Come to the table of the Lord.

Come sing a song of the forgiven.

Come lay your burden on the Word.”

“When the storm is raging all around me

You are the peace that calms my troubled sea.

When the cares of this world darken my day

You are the light that shines and shows me the way.”

“I hear the voice of the One I love.

He’s calling my name.

He’s saying, “Come up higher and hear the angels sing.

Come up higher my beloved.

Come up higher and leave this world behind.

I am running.  Running after You.

You have become my soul’s delight.

I am running.  Running after You.

Here with you I find my life.”

“There is a peace I’ve come to know, though my heart and flesh may fail.

There’s an anchor for my soul, I can say, “It is well.”

Jesus has overcome and the grave is overwhelmed.

The victory is won.

He is risen from the dead.

And I will rise when He calls my name.

No more sorrow, no more pain.

I will rise on eagles’ wings.

Before my God fall on my knees and rise.

I will rise.

And I hear the voice of many angels sing--

Worthy is the Lamb.

And I hear the cry of every longing heart--

Worthy is the Lamb.”

I hear in these songs a heart that struggled toward peace and longed for all that Jesus offers us.  What a gift to my heart this Christmas as I miss my beautiful daughter who reflected Jesus wherever she went.

If you are struggling this Christmas, I wish you the peace of Jesus, the Strength of His touch, and the promise of being in His presence forever--

Tonight, we gathered together with our extended family and worshiped.  We sang some of Christina's favorite songs and listened to a little video of her talking about heaven.  Our hearts are full and thankful.  Merry Christmas.

Isaiah Possibility Day

I have just returned from three weeks in India and Kenya and find that returning to this time zone leaves me awake at odd times of the night.  Yesterday, at 4:00 a.m., I had the thought, “This was the time of year when Christina and Doug were married.”  Bringing up my mental calendar and counting the days, I realized that November 26th would have been their third wedding anniversary. 

Was it only 3 years ago that Christina walked down the aisle in her “no fear” wedding dress?

How do you mark anniversaries for those who are with Jesus and do not need an anniversary marked?

And Doug has a different  miraculous anniversary with his new wife, Susan, that we will celebrate with joy.

I prayed and I thought—what is important about November 26th?

Here is where my heart took me.  That was the day, three years ago, that Isaiah became a possibility. It’s the day that two brave people with eyes upward made a bold commitment to trust Jesus and walk a difficult journey together.  Along the way they asked Jesus about having a baby and He said, “YES!!!”  

In light of the miracle of Isaiah, I have renamed November 26 as “Isaiah Possibility Day”.

Isaiah is now two years old and thriving in his new family. I spent yesterday with him.  He told me, “Mommy Christina with Jesus.  Singing.” That made me smile.  If you knew Christina, that statement would ring absolutely true. 

I can sense Isaiah’s joy at calling out “Mommy!” and having a very present and loving Mommy to attend to him.  He loves his new family—so full and rich and vibrant. I am thankful with every breath I take that God has cared intimately for every detail of this life journey He has us on.  He has taken such good care of Isaiah and the rest of us!

The Miracle of Isaiah

Happy Thanksgiving!

When a Slow Death Scares the Life Right Out of You

I have received messages and calls and posts on my Facebook page about what I think about the beautiful young woman, Brittany, in Oregon who has brain cancer and plans to legally end her life on November 1^st.  My own precious daughter, Christina, faced a similar brain tumor challenge and left this world on June 13^th, 2013.

Brittany is giving voice to what so many of us think about—how do we want to die? 

Most of us hope we die peacefully in our sleep. 

Christina used to say before each brain surgery, “I’m not afraid of dying during surgery.  Anesthesia to Jesus—it doesn’t get much better than that.”

Other people just hope that their death comes quickly. 

I personally do not know anyone who wants to die slowly and painfully.  Brittany's position does not surprise me.  Most of us feel we would not be able to cope with such a reality.

Jesus himself prayed in the garden, “My Father, if it is possible, let this cup be taken from me.”  The cup of his crucifixion was not taken from Him and that changes everything for us.

During Christina's 5 1/2 years of living with brain cancer, she had many conversations about how a brain cancer patient dies.  It wasn't a very encouraging picture.  When Christina learned that her brain tumor had returned with a vengeance and her time was limited, we were also told that she had one larger tumor near her brain stem that should cause her to loose consciousness and shut her systems down very quickly.  I haven’t told many people that we had a little “high five” celebratory moment because we thought she was going to have the kind of death that she wanted.  Quick and painless.

It was not to be.  Instead, she had 11 weeks on hospice.  I have recorded much of those 11 weeks in  this blog.  There were some very difficult times. 

She had an evening of discouragement because she thought she was letting people down and causing misery.

More than once, she thought she was losing her mind.  And that was something that terrified her.

A few times, the pain got out of control.

She was sad on the days she realized that she had not fed Isaiah even one time—someone else was caring for him.

BUT—

If Christina had left us quickly, here are some of the things we would have missed--

Seeing Doug care for her so tenderly.  He kept track of her medicine, her rest, her food and so many, many other things.  He was the very picture of the "till death parts us" kind of love.

The friends and family who came from all over the world to spend a little time with her.

The endless supply of love and food and anything else we needed.

The final “Daddy-daughter” date to her favorite restaurant.

Her remarkable sense of humor and ability to make us laugh.

Christina’s visions.

Hearing the angels sing.

Watching her spirit come alive while her body was fading.

Hearing her pray.

Hearing her tell Jesus, “I surrender.  I surrender everything.” And knowing it was about surrendering herself to be cared for.

Hearing her last, barely audible, “I love you, Mom.”

And we would have missed that amazing moment when Doug whispered to her, “Christina, you have fought so well.  Thank you for fighting.  You can be done now.” Within the minute, she took her last breath.

You see, we cannot know the ways that God will meet us in our deepest need.  We cannot predict the ways He will make us stronger, or make us wiser.  Until we have to walk right into our greatest fear, we have no idea that God has very good reasons to say, “Fear Not”.  Jesus conquered death on the cross and it is by His power that we walk through the impossible things this life holds.

I would never, ever trade away those last 11 weeks.  We saw Jesus.  We saw beauty.  We saw strength and courage. We were walking on Holy Ground. 

When Love Comes Again

The question comes continuously—How are you doing with all of this? 

The subject, of course, is Doug Nevill finding new love.  He has proposed to a most wonderful woman named Susan.  Or Susie.  Or New Mommy Susie.

From my heart, the most direct answer is, “I am absolutely thrilled.  Susan is far beyond all I could ask or imagine for Doug and Isaiah.”

I knew that this could be a hard situation to step into.  It would be easy for a woman to feel intimidated by Christina or her story.  It would not be out of the ordinary for a new wife to struggle with any mention of Christina.  It might be difficult to adjust to life with Doug and Isaiah and a well-known story.

I often prayed that the woman that would enter Doug’s life would know Christina and love her.  I prayed for a woman who could believe that we loved her wholeheartedly.  I longed for a woman who could talk freely about Isaiah’s first mommy.

I now shed thankful tears for the beautiful way God has answered my prayer.  Our family has known Susan’s family for many years.  Susan and Christina knew each other throughout  childhood. When Christina was diagnosed with cancer seven years ago, Susan made a beautiful, soft quilt for Christina.  (And if you knew Christina, soft blankets to cuddle with were one of her greatest pleasures.)

Susan was very present in Christina’s last 77 days.  She came by and held Isaiah and helped in countless ways.  She and Christina had some great conversations (in person and by text) concerning the difficulties each of them were experiencing.  It was a time of mutual encouragement. 

 

Susan, Isaiah, and Christina

Susan held Isaiah during Christina’s memorial service and became part of the regular crew of “Isaiah care.”

Isaiah excited about the adventure!

And Isaiah loves Susie and her two boys.  He burst into tears one day that I had planned to drop him off at her house.  She wasn’t quite home yet and it broke his little heart when she didn’t answer the door.  She arrived shortly after that and they walked up the street to get the boys.  Isaiah looked up at her and said, “Happy!”

I have never worried about Christina being “replaced.”  Christina was a one-of-a-kind woman.  She and Doug had quite the journey in the very short time they had together.  From first date to her transfer to heaven was only 2 years and 3 months.  In that short time, they dated, married, had a baby, and Christina had a brain surgery, chemo, and a wild recurrence which led to their last 77 days.  That is a lot of life to cram into 27 months.  And they did it.  Beautifully.  And Christina went to be with Jesus.  The wedding rings in a box together are a reminder of a completed pledge—“till death parts us.”  

And now, Doug needs to look to his future and see what God has for him.  It seems God has a wonderful woman, a mommy for Isaiah, and a couple of amazing boys to welcome into his life.  

Go, Doug, Go!!

And how does Christina feel about all of this?  I have asked Doug’s permission to share a portion of the letter she left for Doug at the end of her life.  He read this portion out loud to a gathering of friends and family on June 13^th—Christina’s first heavenly birthday.  We shared things we had learned from Christina and we shared some of the stories we have come to love.  At the end, Doug brought out the letter and said he wanted to read part of it.  It is from the section (it was a very long letter) entitled, 

“Releasing to New Love” 

"All right, so here we are.  We’ve talked about this before, but I really need you to hear this from me again.  With the list above and many other things I didn’t have space to write down, YOU Douglas are one heck of a catch, a catch that shouldn’t go to waste!!  Seriously!:)

I give you full permission, if not a gentle shove in asking you to be open to love and marriage again.  Not to rush and get Isaiah a mother, or “fix” the pain of losing a wife, but just be open to what Jesus may offer to bring into your life and family.  This, of course, has to be led by the Spirit.  It may be very scary, but let Him lead you.  No need to rush or avoid forever.  Take counsel from those you trust, and be honest always.  Nothing will be a quick fix or a way to avoid hard times.

So, the first time someone catches your eye, don’t feel guilty about it!  Who knows what God could be doing, even when you would love to know the end result before it happens. When does that ever happen?  Right??:)  Pray, pray, pray for His wisdom and He will direct your path.

Isaiah will be fine also.  I am leaving him in the best hands possible.  Yours and those of our Jesus, who will lead you (and her) every step of the way.  Please don’t worry about replacing me—in your heart or Isaiah’s.  I will always be me, and he will always be half of me, and half of you.  You both will always know me in a unique way—from experiences, memories, stories.  I love it!  Just make sure to tell some good ones, ok?  (Funny, embarrassing, heartfelt, you be the judge).  It actually thrills me to picture both you and Isaiah experiencing the love of a fun, exciting, sweet passionate Godly woman, totally wrapped in Jesus.  Wouldn’t hurt if she were a good cook too, eh?  Sorry about that one:) Hehe.  Know though, if God brings someone along, He will equip her to be EXACTLY what He intends for both you and Isaiah.  I fully trust that, as easy as it can feel right now to get sad about “missing out on this journey for you both”—the truth is, I won’t be, I can’t be!  We all live the exact amount of days God designed us to live.  I will NOT be cut short, no one ever is!  Isn’t that a cool thought?  Life on earth isn’t ever robbed from us.  We just miss those that depart for this short time.  And if we didn’t miss them, I suppose there’s something wrong there too."

And then Doug announced that he had asked and been granted permission to court Susan.  Before too long, he was asking permission to marry Susan and that brings us to the present.

What freedom and clarity Christina’s words have brought to this situation.   It is such a treasure to me that she left such wise counsel and loving words.  In an earlier post, I describe her agony in writing this letter.  She thought it didn’t make sense—that it was confusing and hard to understand.  In reality, the confusion wasn’t about what she was writing.  The confusion entered in when she tried to proof read it and her mind was no longer capable of making sense of the words. 

I am thankful she labored to put this in words.  I am more thankful that Doug heeded and opened his heart to love.  And I am most thankful for the beautiful, generous, fun, loving, and joyful woman he has found to share his life.

And I will forever thank our loving Father who has abundantly blessed this family with goodness.

A Hug from Christina

Today, just when I needed it—I received an enormous hug from Christina.  It may seem impossible but here is my story.

This morning, Isaiah was in the mood to watch “mommy” videos.  (My computer is the source of so many hilarious and serious moments in Christina’s life.) 

We watched the “Mommy singing with Bampa in WalMart” video. 

We watched the “mommy falling down in the snow while Jesse records and laughs” video. 

We watched the “mommy pretending to be an old, old woman with a cane” video. 

And then Isaiah wanted to watch the “Christina—one year memorial” video.  Well, this one gets to me.  I watch Christina grow up again.  I enjoy the baby pictures and the pictures with her brother, Jesse.  Fishing, soccer,  beaches, and friends.   Isaiah comments on “Uncle Jesse” continuously.  Jesse is recognizable from about the age of 5 and Isaiah loves to call out the people he knows.  He finally recognizes Mommy Christina by the time she is about 20.  This morning when we finished the video--which ends with a cemetery, an eagle, and a sunset—I was undone.  So, I cry.  It is the best thing to do at times like that.  I love remembering the years together.  I love the fullness of life that Christina enjoyed. 

The moment passed and the day moved on.  Later in the afternoon, I walked into the laundry room and saw “the pile”.  Not dirty clothes but “stuff”.  Christina’s stuff.  Last week, I helped Doug sort through some of Christina’s books and files and keepsakes.  Some of it found it’s way to my laundry room to await a more permanent storage place. I grabbed the first stack of papers and saw an essay that Christina wrote her senior year of college.

  It was entitled,  “Myself:  Here and now…and to the Future”.  It was her personal philosophy statement and was a final assignment at Westmont College.  Well, the title certainly got my attention.  How little she knew about her future.  Certainly, I doubt cancer ever crossed her mind.

I opened it randomly to page 8—here is where her special hug for me enters the picture—I began to read--

“My favorite professional role model is my mom”…

What?  I have never seen this or heard these thoughts.  We had not talked about this.

She wrote a page about how she loved the way I taught violin.  She wrote about the way I loved my students. She wrote about how I made time for her and Jesse in their growing up years.  I had never seen this paper but today was the day I needed to read it. 

If I didn’t think God was involved in every moment of every day, today would have convinced me that He is very present!  I feel humbled and loved and known—not just by Christina, but by the One who made us both.  This paper has been with Christina’s “stuff” for the last 10 years and today was the day that it did its best work.

After I read the page about how she viewed me, I went back to the beginning and read the whole thing.  What a treasure!  Here are a few choice quotes—

“I do know that I feel very small looking out into the gigantic world ahead of me after graduation, knowing I have so much to learn both about myself and the world that I live in.  But for some strange reason I am very excited for this new adventure.  I am excited to be confused.  I am excited to not know what the next month, or week, or day will hold for me.  Waiting in the unknown, according to Andrew Murray, is ‘the highest salvation.  It is ascribing to Him the glory of being all; it is experiencing that He is all to us.  May God teach us the blessedness of waiting on Him!’ “

“Service for others has become one of the biggest things in life that gives me joy.  I love to see people smile.  I love to make them smile.  I know that wherever I go and whatever I end up doing, I need to be working with people in a way that provides opportunity for me to be of service, help, or encouragement to them.  Bringing joy to others is what brings me the deepest kind of personal joy.”

Christina certainly lived what she wrote about.  First she embraced the uncertainty of her cancer diagnosis and 5 ½ years of treatment. She truly did not know what the next day would bring.  Actually none of us knows what tomorrow will bring.  We just think we know.

Then in the middle of all her uncertainty, she never lost sight of bringing joy to those around her.  To her husband and son, to her brother and dad, to me, to her friends, her cousins, her aunts and uncles, and, well, to everyone she met.   Joy radiated from her until the day she moved from here to the presence of Jesus.  I would say joy characterized her life.  My guess is that her infectious joy was one reason people loved to be around her.  Here is another reason people loved to be near Christina.  She wrote,

“As Christians, we are called to show our love to everyone we encounter—even if it is difficult.  Christ’s love was not easy.  We can’t expect to try showing people God’s love, and for it never to be hard on us.  God didn’t call us to an easy life.”

Amen, Christina, Amen!