and Wise Words from Mommy Susie

Wedding Day--October, 2014

A brave young woman with two sons of her own to raise, entered into our lives, married Doug and took on the role of mom to Isaiah.  A little while later they added a beautiful little girl, Charlotte, to the mix.

I asked Susan if she would like to write about what this journey has been like for her and she took on the task (amidst active baby, Little League games, and incessant questions from a 3 year old). What follows is Susan's gift to us.

As I look at Charlotte, I can’t help but think that she is the same age Isaiah was when Christina went to be with Jesus ….. almost three years ago.  As a mom, I cannot grasp the magnitude of Christina’s (mama’s) heart. The depth of surrender.  The amount of trust.  The battle in letting go.  Her reality of leaving her sweet baby boy without the comfort of knowing how things turn out.  

In only about 15 months of motherhood (beginning with babe in womb), Christina left an astonishing example of what is looks like to be an amazing mom.  She trusted Jesus whole heartedly.  Joyfully.  She not only trusted Him for herself, but also for her child.  She was selfless.  She chose fearlessness.  She prayed fervently for Isaiah.  She surrendered him.  And then again, and again, and perhaps constantly.  

Charlotte and Isaiah

I could not have written this story in my wildest dreams.  Marrying Doug, raising Isaiah, living in this home, blending our families, having another baby…..wow.  Even as I write it, it blows my mind! (And makes me sweat a little!) Although this has come with tremendous blessings, it has brought many fears and doubts. And questions.  Lots of questions. How do I do all of this?  Am i the right one for the job?  How do I love and care for Doug’s heart in all of this?  Is this really Gods will for all of us? What is my role with not only Isaiah, but the rest of the family? What is the expectation of me? How do my big boys fit in to all of this?  Is it okay to make myself at home here - change the decor, etc.? Will others approve of the way I raise Isaiah? Okay…you get the picture.  Its a lot to navigate.  And if I’m being honest, and vulnerable… I let some of these questions paralyze me with fear. 

If you have been to our home and asked for our wifi password, we will give you 2Timothy1:7.  This reads, “For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.”  I tell you this, because Doug and Christina lived and breathed and filled this home with God’s word that continually tells us not to fear. This is only one small example.  I remember coming to visit when Christina was on hospice.  This was not a house filled with  fear.  This was a house filled with life.  With joy.  With worship.  And it was filled with Isaiah … which brought so much joy and laughter and fun.

That little guy continues to bring it!  Can I just tell you ….. I see Christina in his smile.  The twinkle in his eye.  In the way he runs.  The way he does this happy dance when he gets something right.    And can I just say ….. I am so incredibly thankful that Doug and Christina fearlessly chose Isaiah.  I am so thankful that God blessed all of us with this gift.  I am thankful that I knew and loved Christina, and can share that with Isaiah. And I am thankful and blessed to be a part in raising up this little guy.  

Far beyond what I could have asked or imagined!!

For the last two years, God has asked me to surrender my fears to him.  He continues to show me what it looks like to walk in freedom.  He continues to show me - much through Christina’s story - that He is the author of my life.  He is sovereign.  That means … He has the whole picture.  And although I am not facing a brain tumor, I don’t have the control or knowledge of when my last breath will be. I don’t have the comfort of knowing how it all ends up for my children.   And the only true peace, is the peace that Jesus brings.  If I am surrendering as Christina did - all of my questions and fears and doubts - that is when the unexplainable joy comes.  The joy that only Jesus can bring in the midst of hardship.  And that is the blessing.  And when I am pressing into Jesus, the fears of this world fade away.  When I actively trust in His word, I can exhale slowly.  I am so thankful I don’t have to figure all of this out.  I don’t have to be anyone or anything other than what God has called me to be. I am responsible for today.  This moment.   Christina did not passively wait for all of this to come to her.  She fought for it. Continually.  Lord, may this be true in my life as well.  

Every day, may I surrender my life to you.  May I surrender my children.  Will you fill me with a spirit of power and love and self-control.  “There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear.” 1 John 4:18.  Thank you Lord, that you give us these gifts.  They were not available just to Christina, but to all of us.  

And if you’re wondering ….  those questions and doubts I shared …… God has given and blessed abundantly.  Beyond my wildest imagination. 

My heart in sharing all of this, is to encourage you (and myself) that joy and peace in this broken world is attainable through our Lord, Jesus Christ.  That He is our bridge to peace and joy.  Oh, how I desperately want to live this way!  And thank you Jesus, for  Christina’s example in living this way.  Full abandon.  Nothing wasted.  All for His glory.  

  

When Friends are Grieving

Trent, Steve, Chrissie and Ryan

A few days ago our friends lost their son.  Though they no longer live in Port Angeles, we feel their loss.  He was two weeks from high school graduation and in a car accident.  Trent Basden is with Jesus but his family and friends are left here to cope without him.  

All who love the Basden family would love to turn back the clock and not let that deer cross the road at that exact moment.  Or we want to remove the pain.  Or we want to wake up from a bad dream.    None of those things are possible.  We feel helpless.  We can't imagine going through anything like this.  

So what are we left with?

I know of two simple things I pray at times like this.  Two things that made a HUGE difference whenever Christina was facing difficulty.  

The first was this--God promises peace when we tell Him our concerns.  (Philippians 4:6-8)  That peace is called incomprehensible.  It makes no sense.  How can we have peace when we are in the middle of death or disease or trauma?  Well, that is the miracle that our loving God provides.  We had no explanation for the immense peace that came at the most trying times.  But it did.  

So, I pray that the Basden family will experience incomprehensible peace.  It does not take away pain or make the situation easy but it is a gift that only God can provide.

The second thing I pray is for God's presence to be recognized at every turn.  Psalm 23:4  says, "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me."  Our Shepherd, Jesus, walks with us through the valley of the shadow of death.   Death casts a long shadow on this earth.  Anyone who has been around for a while has experienced the shadow of death.  It is everywhere.  There is nothing better than to see God's activity and feel His presence in the midst of the most horrible circumstances.  He shines brightly.  Our faith increases.  And we walk on with Him.  Not without pain.  Not without loss.  But we walk with hope. 

And so we pray, Lord, that you will surround this family with your peace that is beyond understanding.  And we ask that they will be able to see your hand clearly.  We pray that your presence is palpable, that in the midst of struggle and grief, your power and your grace will be seen in unexpected ways.  In Jesus' name,  AMEN

Story Telling Across America

Rob visiting last month.

In one month, I will be heading across the United States writing about Christina, brain cancer, our journey, our faith--all in the context of following a grueling ultra endurance bike race across America.  Christina's high school friend, Rob DeCou, has decided to test his endurance on the Race Across America, while riding to honor Christina.  The organization, 3000 Miles to a Cure, has asked me to write (not ride) my way across America in one of their media vans.

When Rob shared his desire to do this race from San Diego to Annapolis, I knew I wanted to drive along and watch this unfold.  The beautiful gift to me is the invitation to write for 3000 Miles to a Cure blog while riding in one of their media vans.

I have some new friends that I will be traveling with.  Maria Parker founded this organization and raced in RAAM 3 years ago to honor her sister.  The story can be found at this link.  It is an hour long movie that tells the remarkable story of Maria's ride and features her sister's life.  

https://www.3000milestoacure.com/film/

Lucia and Maria Parker, Rob DeCou

Maria and I have so much in common.  Our faith, our loss of very special people, and a desire to live fully and with purpose.  Maria's daughter, Lucia, is organizing the media teams and we will all make this journey together.

Last month we had a few days together in Port Angeles.  I loved the time with Maria and Lucia in our home and am very excited to head down to San Diego on June 11th.  The race starts June 14th--the day after Christina's heavenly birthday.  This feels like a great way to celebrate her life and her courage and her faith.  

If you are a person who prays, I would appreciate prayer for this journey.  I don't want to miss anything God has planned--the conversations, the people we meet along the way, the events that can't be anticipated.  I will certainly link what I am writing with this blog.  Prayer for Rob would be appreciated also.  This can be a dangerous race and super challenging on every level--physically, spiritually, and emotionally.   Thank you in advance for all your love and support. 

Maria and I 

Always Tell Your Story

I heard her say it often.  "If anyone asks me to tell my story, I say yes."

Christina loved her story and she loved the opportunity to tell about her amazing God.  It is important to know that this was never easy.  She didn't love the limelight.  She was not a natural public speaker but she could capture an audience with her humor and candor.

Who could forget her reference to how her buns tingle when she's nervous.

Or the time she said, "If I have a little seizure while I'm talking, don't worry.  My mom will fill in and I will be back soon."

I remember when her church in Portland asked her to speak at a women's event.  I thought that she would be giving a ten minute testimony of some kind but as it turned out, she was the main speaker for 400 women.  She sat in a comfy chair and told her story.  It was a beautiful night.  The challenge to all the women around their tables was to have a discussion about how they could trust God in the middle of the difficult situations they found themselves in.  I loved Christina's courage and her message.

Christina also talked to small groups.  I remember her meeting with a group of high school girls in Pasco, Washington.  They had been following Christina's story through my sister, Loralee.  When we were passing through, Loralee arranged for them to meet Christina.  Those girls never forgot that evening.

She gladly stood in front of large and small congregations and told about her journey with Jesus.

She spoke at a few Christian schools--gladly sharing what a life of faith looks like in the middle of a big trial.

Playing at a friend's wedding

I had the privilege of standing in for her once after she had gone to heaven.  Her uncle Russ had written a piece of music for the Hanford High School band.  It was a piece inspired by Christina's life.  The students fell in love with Christina.  They read her blog.  They read my blog.  I received a call that they were going to perform the piece for the last time--could I come?  I almost said no but then I realized if I hopped in my car immediately I could be their by concert time.  (It was a 6 hour trip.)  I arrived an hour before the concert.  Russ asked if I might say a few words before they played the piece.  I heard Christina, "If anyone asks, say yes."  The love of those kids was obvious as I walked up on stage.  I told them that Christina was just like them. She spent a good part of her high school years on a stage performing with an orchestra.  Then I told them about her "no fear life".  About her faith in God.  They loved that.  I heard from some of their parents about how appropriate that message was for them.  Then they played their hearts out.  Amazing.

A couple of months ago, I was approached about an event called "The Faith Puzzle."  I was asked if I would be willing to be a part of the evening which would be concerned about the problem of pain and suffering in this world.  It would be an opportunity for sharing Christina's story and my story.  I heard Christina's voice in my head.  "Always be willing to share your story."  So, I said yes.

The Faith Puzzle is an event over 4 weeks that deals with the problem of faith. thefaithpuzzle.org

On October 18th, Jesse and I will play a little music (classical and celtic fiddling) while slides of Christina's life scroll behind us.  One of the bonus features is getting to play a little music with my son, Jesse.  That is a rare occurrence these days.  It promises to be a beautiful evening.  Thank you, Tim, for asking.

Christina and Jesse

It's another opportunity for Christina to impact.  I could never have predicted the ongoing telling of Christina's story.  She has now been away for 2 years and 4 months.  I am so thankful for the continued impact of her life.  I am looking forward to telling you all about another huge opportunity next summer.  Her story will literally go on the road--across the nation.  

To God be the Glory!

Is it okay to be forgotten?

A couple of weeks ago I was sitting at the cemetery.  I looked to my left and saw a fresh grave and I sighed.  Someone else is going through loss, grief, letting go.  It turned out to be the grave of a woman in her 90's.  It made me smile just a little.  What a long life.  My eyes swept the cemetery and I thought--we all die.  Every one of us.  Sooner.  Or Later.  Life can be agonizingly short.  There are too many graves of  precious babies and toddlers who never grew up.  And there are the long lives--perhaps fully lived.  Perhaps not.  The stories in a cemetery are mostly a mystery.  And many of those people are absolutely forgotten on earth.

One of the biggest fears of a parent is to lose a child.  The next great fear after one has lost a child is "What if my child is forgotten?"  I have talked to many parents who have lost children and I have not found one parent free of this fear.  It is always present in mind and heart.  What if no one asks me about my child?  What if I am all alone in my remembering? On June 13th, it is two years since  Christina walked this earth.  I cannot believe it has been two whole years.  I wrestle.

One of my most vivid mourning stories happened 4 years before Christina left this earth.  We were on a cruise. Christina and her story were well known.  Her engaging personality was evident and so many people were enjoying her vitality.  I watched and then I cried.  The realization was that someday I would be with a group of people who had never met Christina and I would have no adequate way to describe her.  I was devastated. 

My day of reckoning came in the cemetery a couple of weeks ago.  I felt the Lord whispering to my heart, "On this earth, you will be forgotten someday.  Christina will be forgotten.  Isaiah will be forgotten.   But I will not forget.  And that is all that matters."

Truth brings freedom.  Instead of clinging to the hope that someone will remember Christina, I stand in the strength that Jesus remembers.  And that is enough for me.

Malachi 3:16-17

"Then those who feared the LORD talked with each other, and the LORD listened and heard.  A scroll of remembrance was written in his presence concerning those who feared the LORD and honored his name.  "On the day when I act," says the LORD Almighty, "they will be my treasured possession...."

My heart soars with the thought of a scroll of remembrance.  Can you just see the LORD saying, "Oh, there is Christina talking about me and honoring me.  Write it all down in my scroll of remembrance. She is my treasured possession."

His remembrance of us is all that really matters.

A few days after Christina went on Hospice Care, we arranged a video session.  It was a bit out of her comfort zone but she knew we would need to hear her voice one more time.  She answered many questions that day.  There were probably ten people in the room, laughing and crying with her.  Here is a little sample.  It is a timely reminder for those of us still walking this earth.

Can it Be Almost Two Years?

Sharing shaved heads with her brother.

It is hard to believe that it has been almost two years since Christina left us.  It seems like she was just here.  The pain of missing her is quite acute at times. I never know when it will sweep over me and I expect that will be part of my reality for the rest of my life.  I think there are many different paths of mourning and many different kinds of circumstances that affect our mourning.  I know that the length of preparation we had makes for a different kind of mourning.  We did not deal with the heart wrenching shock of losing Christina suddenly.  We had 5 1/2 years to prepare, to watch, to help, to wonder.  We had time to be together, to talk about life separated, to go on some amazing trips.  We had celebrations before we ever had to deal with a Memorial Service.  All I could think about at her various wedding events was the pure delight to gather with our friends and family and know that it wasn't about Christina leaving us.  

For the last two months I have had questions about this blog and whether or not it should continue.  

Enjoying Hawaii.

This morning I had a unique opportunity to process through those issues.  Some of you know that for the last 10 months I have been in training to become a life coach.  It's a field that I barely understood when I took the first training last September but I have become convinced of the value of coaching as it brings about clarity and direction.  I was in a telephone conference with my mentor coach and 4 other class members and our mentor asked to coach me in a coaching demo.  I brought this blog to the table for discussion.  Should I continue?  Should I wrap it up and consider it done?  What are my motives for continuing?  

The miracle hair grows back!

As my coach questioned me, I was able to express my concerns, my desires, my fears, and truth.  My concerns and fears all centered around motivation.  Any blog can be used in wrong ways.  The worst for me would be to call attention to myself or to meet some unsurfaced need for affirmation.  It can be very tempting to make life about people's responses or interest.  How many people have read a post?  How many responded?  If there is a lot of interest or response, it can foster pride and pride is the default nature of humans.  It takes about one second to move from humility to pride and great diligence to fight against it.  My desire is to write to draw attention to God's beautiful work.  My desire is to share the hope and joy of Jesus.  

There was also the question of ending a blog.  As I talked to my coach, I realized the most important thing for me is the truth of eternal life.  Christina's story is about eternity.  It is about the truth of Jesus.  It is the truth of John 3:16--Whoever believes shall not perish but have eternal life.

Christina's story is really a story that God wrote in her.  He worked in and through her.  He made himself very known in her final days on this earth.  He allowed Isaiah to enter this world.  I realized that Christina's story is not done.  Her impact continues.  Isaiah continues.  Those of us left here continue. And the truth is, Christina continues in the presence of Jesus. 

Two great things came out of my coaching session this morning.  

• The owner of the story of this blog is Jesus--not me.  If He gives me something to say, I will say it.  If He wants me to quit writing, I am sure He will make that obvious.
• I will continue to be diligent about my motivation for writing.  If self-serving or pride surface, I will repent and continue.

I look forward to writing as more of life unfolds and God shows us His amazing Glory.

Thank you all for reading and for sharing this story.  

(I hope you enjoy the fun pictures.)

On a cruise with Linsey--pre cancer.

Christina's Last Blog Post--2 Years Ago

It is hard to believe that it has been two years since Christina wrote her last post on her blog.  I mark the time passed by watching Isaiah.  He is 2 1/2 years old.  That means Christina has been away from us for almost two years.  As I read her words, her personality, her faith, her confidence, her joy washed over me in a fresh way.  The daughter I love to talk about--talked about herself and it renewed my heart.  I really am not making this story up:)

I thought today that it would be fun to just share her words. I am stunned by the clarity of her thoughts amidst multiple brain tumors and pain medication and steroids.  These words that flowed out of her are truly a gift to our hearts.

She wrote this on April 23, 2013

Ah, what a beautiful Tuesday. What an amazing day to be alive! I’ve been wanting to share some thoughts for a while, but you know how things get:) Writing things down is a bit slower and harder these days, so I’m thinking that posting smaller snippets as I am able, might be the way to go. We shall see:

Let me start with this. Being put under hospice care is the last place I would have ever expected to feel so peaceful, and thankful, and joyful towards my the Lord. Please know that this is not a “make people feel good” answer. This is as honest as it gets. Has it been the hardest, scariest, and most emotional thing I’ve ever faced? Yes. Have I ever felt God’s presence more powerfully and craved it more hungrily? Never.

So why am I peaceful, thankful and joyful? Most simply put I’d say, it’s a miracle to my heart, and God’s character of grace on full display.

Peaceful.

Isaiah 26:3 “You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you.”

He promises us peace. When we trust his purposes above our own, keep our eyes and thoughts fixed on Him, no matter what the circumstances, (even death) He promises peace. Not without struggle, not without tears, or grieving, but a deep settled peace, CHOOSING to believe that God’s “good” is much more powerful and complete than my own “good”. Even if my emotions have trouble catching up sometimes.

Thankful.

Who gets this kind of time?! Oftentimes, people in my situation (even those dealing with cancer for a while), will face an abrupt end to their fully functioning state. Grand mal seizure leading to a coma can be a common one in brain cancer. This doesn’t mean this will be my route or anyone else’s for that matter. God can do whatever He chooses. But, look, here I am! 2 big seizures into this, tumors suddenly spread all over my brain, and I’m feeling better than I have in months!  I have way less pain, more energy and definitely much clearer thoughts. Yay:) All on hospice, who would have thought?! The first seizure, and the following MRI was God’s perfect provision allowing us all to be aware of my new health status. I am so thankful for the beautiful time I/we have all gotten to experience because of this. Friends and family have been able to fly in and I’ve loved the relaxation of my home, only made possible by so many people contributing to help–the Isaiah care, the food, the cleaning, the super fun yard work parties, errands run for us, the worship nights, Doug’s awesome work allowing him to take so much time off. We’ve had overnight baby care (thanks Mom!) for quiet restful nights and sleep-in mornings with lattes waiting for us when we get up. Oh yes. The list goes on and on and on. We are SO thankful.

Joyful

I’m joyful, I just am. Really I think it comes down to 2 things.

1) Remaining thankful. Taking every moment to remind myself of all that God is doing, what He has done, and what He might continue to do through this. I have SO much to be thankful for, and things could always be much worse.

2) Hope. The truth is I am grieving. Mostly grieving the pain of those who will be affected by my death. Especially my husband, my sweet Isaiah, my parents, and beyond. This is the hardest part for me. It can feel crushing at times. Surrendering my own life is one thing, but surrendering two more precious lives, is entirely different.

BUT I am not without hope. My hope is in Jesus and the eternity we are promised when we accept Him. I KNOW I will see these lives again. I KNOW I will meet my Maker face to face! I KNOW life on the earth is just a breath in light of eternity, and death has no power over this soul!

I have fought this disease, this, pain, this potential hopelessness, every second of the way, but not without His grace. It has been through many ups and downs, tears, laughter, adventures, heartbreaks, but even overflowing happiness. He has not given me a spirit of defeat. I will be thankful and soaking up every day He chooses to give me, and I will also look forward to that beautiful day I get to walk into my Savior’s arms and be finally swallowed up by LIFE. The life we are designed for! 2 Cor. 5:4-7

So there it is. I am unafraid of death (although easy to squirm with all the unknowns of what that might look like), I but I know that He comforts in those moments, for myself, as well as everyone else. I am also unafraid of leaving my boys (although not without tears) because I don’t get to control their pain (whether I’m alive or not!) I have to fully surrender their journeys to the Lord, as I have had to do for my life over and over again for the past 6 years. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and am still doing on a minute by minute basis. 
But He is helping me. It is NOT by my own strength. It’s purely Jesus and the deep Truths He promises in His Word.

I hope this doesn’t sound trite. But I had to share. I’ve experienced the despair and hopelessness, but I have been freed from them.  A miracle. Totally His miracle. So if all I can do is share that reason and that hope with others, I will:) Always. A hundred times. It’s what makes this journey worth it.

Love to you all,
Christina

(All of Christina's blog is at christinaahmann.com)