The Window

One day in early May, Christina told me that she had learned to get immediate help when she had trouble.

She said there is a special window—if you put your hand or your staff through it, God gives you immediate help.  If you need peace or joy, you ask God and He gives it immediately.   My sister and I were puzzled.  What staff?  What kind of window?

So, of course, we asked her about the window.  Large or small?  Organic or manufactured?  Do you break glass to get through it?

She patiently tried to answer but mostly just looked at us like we were very dense.  It’s not too large.  But it’s not too small either.  There is no stooping to get through it.  It’s easy.  There is no smashing of glass.  It is always available.

The next day we asked again about her window.  She remembered it and told us she could even get physical things like lattes or smiles.  I thought of how many lattes I had carried into her room and wondered how many answers to her “window requests” they represented.

She also said that she had no need to worry about her motivation for asking for anything.  She told me that God knew her heart really well and He took care of all of that.  She was like a child asking her Heavenly Father for whatever she needed. 

We asked her how she learned about it.  She said, “I watched the other people using their windows and I thought it looked like a good idea.”  I asked her if she knew the people.  No.  They were just other followers of Jesus.

I thought about the window idea.  It did not seem to be a heavenly picture because Christina was accessing it from earth and she suggested that we all should be using our windows.  It seemed that God gave her a visual representation of a scriptural truth, such as--

“God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.”  Psalm 46:1

or

“If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him.” James 1:5

or

“You do not have because you do not ask.” James 4:2b

or

“Ask, and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.  For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.  Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone?  Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake?  If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!”  Matthew 7:7-11

Christina gave no explanation about the staff we are to put through the window but it is likely that it represents our faith.   Faith is our gift from God that allows us to talk to Him, to believe Him, and to trust Him.

The lesson I learned, is to ask more of my Father.  Ask for direction.  Ask for advice.  Ask for help in navigating the difficulties in human interaction.  Ask for peace.  Ask for joy. 

He is a good and generous Father.  He loves to give good gifts.  There is no reason to muddle through much of life in my own wisdom or strength.  My strength is limited.  His power for us is incomparable.   

Ephesians 1:18-19a

“I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe.”

Moving On

In the first few weeks of May, Christina began to talk about a trip she was preparing for.  This is a very common theme for dying patients. 

She was in the bathroom brushing her teeth and matter-of-factly told me, “I don’t know quite where I’m going on this trip, but I’m really excited about it.”  A little while later while getting into bed she said she was getting ready to go on a special trip.  A really fun one.  And really adventurous.  I told her she was going on this trip with Jesus because He wants you with him.  She said, “That sounds fun.  It gets to be our special place.”

Just a short time later, she said she no longer feels burdened by the future journeys of those she loves.  She had written letters, relentlessly prayed for those she loved, shared her heart with anyone who would listen, and now her eyes were turning to Jesus alone.  This world was fading quickly and heaven was becoming her absolute reality.

In the middle of all this transition, Christina had many bouts with pain that needed to be dealt with.  It’s in a Mom’s heart to panic at times like that—but God taught me something very, very important.  All of the difficulties with pain or confusion fit under the classification of “momentary, light affliction.”  Jesus told me to remember that in a short time Christina would have no more pain and no more suffering and she would be enjoying the eternal weight of glory that her trials were achieving.

“For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.”  2 Corinthians 4:17

And He showed me that having to watch her and walk with her during these times was my light and momentary trouble.  I wondered how much time I had spent trying to avoid pain and trouble in this life.  This was beginning to feel like an unworthy goal for our time on earth.

As Christina experienced discomfort, God began to give me a calmness that I cannot explain.  I believe now it was part of my training for living without Christina.

When I feel the tears and pain of missing her, I cry and miss her—and I know that this is part of my light and momentary trouble.  I hug it all close and feel it to the fullest—and it passes.  It passes because of the greater power of God’s peace, His truth, His purpose and His great love. 

As often as Christina experienced pain, God brought complete relief.  It always amazed me that she could move from great discomfort to these kinds of statements—“I feel better than I’ve ever felt in my whole life.”  “I love the way I’m going out—with fun and peace”.  (Picture a little fist pump in the air.) “This is fun and exciting.”

“God is making this all so amazing, like almost laughably amazing!”

“Everything is perfect and so comfortable.”

In talking about her upcoming trip she said, “I’m tickled.  It’s perfect.”

During this transition, her house stopped being familiar to her.  It was as if she was staying in a temporary lodging of some sort.  She often commented on what a perfect place it was to stay.

Her prayer times were full of thanksgiving—particularly about the joy we were feeling.  She prayed that others would know that it was not fake and that it was a generous gift of God—nothing we deserved or had figured out. 

A few days later, I asked her about her upcoming trip.  She said, “I think I’m already on it and I’m very settled.”  We talked about how God had declared over and over again that her journey to Him would be perfect.  Hard but perfect.

One of our first indications that her spirit was moving to a new realm was when she asked us, “Don’t you just love the way the Name of Jesus echoes around this place?”  We told her she must be hearing heaven because we were not hearing the same thing.

From then on, Christina’s heavenly focus began to pull back a very thin curtain that separates this life from the eternal realm of God’s glory that is all around us.  The spiritual world is mostly unseen to us but Christina experienced parts of it while still walking on this earth and talked about it as if we could all see and hear it along with her.

So…in my next posts, I will tell you about the window, the angels, and the dock.

Beyond What I Could Ask or Imagine

"

Isaiah and Doug

I am away with my husband, Doug, and my two sisters and their husbands.  We are continuing to talk about Christina.  Last night we sat up very late.  I said, “God has done abundantly above all I could ask or imagine.  And that fact gives me great hope for all the situations I face that feel impossible.”

My sister Loralee said, “Let’s hear about the abundantly, beyond." So we spent time recounting the amazing parts of our recent journey with Christina.  Here are a few.

1)  I miss Christina.  I miss talking to her.  But, I will see her again and spend all of eternity in God’s most amazing provision for us.  In the meantime, I have this little grandson, Isaiah, and his daddy Doug.  They bring hours of joy and relationship—thank you, Jesus.  When I was saying good-bye to Isaiah, he grabbed my face and slobbered all over it.  Then he buried his face in my neck and grabbed on like he would never let go.  A beautiful gift to my heart.

2)  Christina’s friends have been in touch.  I miss my daughter but I have gained some other sweet daughters who just want to talk or remember Christina.  Every conversation is like gold to my heart.  Every letter from one of these special young women is a treasure.  Every visit fills me up with joy.

Jo Dee and Jenny Rose

3)  We have just had some friends visiting from overseas—a mother and daughter.  The mom gave her life to Jesus a couple of years ago as Christina and I shared our hope with her.   This past week, the 10 year old daughter spent time working in the garden with my husband Doug. She asked him all her questions about faith and Jesus.  She gave her life to Jesus toward the end of the week and then my sister Jennifer came over to teach her to pray.  What followed next took my breath away. 

Christina with a new little Kingdom Princess. 

She wanted to know what Jesus wanted her to do next.  Jennifer said, “That’s a good question.  Why don’t you ask Jesus?”  A sweet little prayer followed.  “Jesus, what do you want me to do next?”  A time of silence.  She looked up and said, “He said he wants me to read this book (Jesus Calling, for children) and the Bible and get to know him really well.”

Then she said, “Does He want me to tell people what I know now or wait until I know more?”  Jennifer said, “Good question.  Why don’t you ask him?”

“Jesus, do you want me to tell people what I know now or wait until I know more?”

More silence.  Then—“He wants me to tell everyone what I know right now.  If I don’t know something that someone asks, we can research it and learn together.”

On and on we went for over 3 hours.  God at work in the heart of a 10 year old who was drawn to Jesus by watching Christina.  Life is good.  The above picture was taken 2 years ago, but I picture Christina rejoicing in heaven with the good news of this little one's new journey with Jesus.

And there is so much more.  I didn’t know what it would be like to live on without Christina in full view.  God is faithful and powerful and full of love.  I am excited for all that lies before me.  I know that there is a great purpose for the rest of my days.   What can I do but praise Him?  This is the path God has for me.  It is full of abundant blessings.  Far more that I could ask or imagine. 

On the back of Christina’s Memorial bulletin was this quote from September 2008.

“It was a year ago today that I went to the doctor for my headaches and recently blurry vision. Brain surgery to remove my 6 cm tumor followed within a couple weeks. News of malignancy and radiation treatment in Seattle followed not long after that.  I just can’t believe that was all a year ago! Praise the Lord for how he makes life new. My life is NOT the same as it was a year ago. I have been stripped of all strength, all pride, all independence, all perspectives, and totally rebuilt into something fresh. I like to think this is a continual process. I think that we all need to get stripped of these things one time or maybe a thousand times to truly understand our unshakable reliance on the Lord as we live in this hurting and diseased world, looking forward to the day we truly get to come home. The fun part is…we don’t have to just sit and wait. Even if life gets hard, even if we become sick, even if it feels like our life as we know it has completely crumbled away… we don’t have to just sit and wait for life to be over or life to get better.  We don’t,  in fact we CAN’T,  just throw in the towel and give up. We are ALIVE for a reason. You, I… we could be dead, but we’re not!  For whatever reason God still has us alive and kicking on this earth, and who are we to throw that away?!  You and I are living TODAY.  There will never be another today or another right now.  How EXCITING is that??”

Swallowed Up by Life

Christina's life was characterized by joy--but it was a joy that she fought for every day.  She spent much time with her Lord Jesus letting Him speak to her heart and fill her up with His joy and peace.  In the middle of April (two weeks into Hospice care), we had a very difficult evening.  Christina was obviously not experiencing peace or joy.  She was despondent over needing so much help.  She was discouraged about letting people down.  We tried and tried to assure her that there is nowhere else we would rather be.  Taking care of her was a supreme privilege.  She wasn't buying any of it.  She went to bed with great sadness in her heart.

That night, eyes wide open, no sleep coming, God spoke to my heart.  He said that this despair was not part of what He wanted for Christina and I was not to wait for her to figure it out.  He told me to get up and battle for my daughter.  I moved from little Isaiah's room to the living room and opened my Bible.  

My prayer was simple.  "You need to show me how to battle this cloud that is hanging over Christina. Please show me your truth in your Word."  The first place He took me was to Song of Solomon.  Our dear friend, Peter, had read this scripture on one of our worship nights.  Song of Solomon 2:10, 13

"Arise my love, my beautiful one, and come away, 

for behold, the winter is past; the rain is over and gone...

Arise, my love, my beautiful one, and come away."

This was a very personal invitation from the lover of her soul.  Christina felt His call very strongly and she longed to see His face.

The second scripture I turned to was 2 Corinthians 4 and 5.  Here are a few highlights from that middle of the night reading.

2 Cor. 4:14  We know that the one who raised the Lord Jesus from the dead will also raise us with Jesus and present us with you in his presence.

We know!!!  No room for doubt here.

2 Cor. 4:16  Therefore we do not lose heart.  Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.

We do not lose heart!!!  Even when our bodies are failing in multiple ways.  When we can't see, or move, or walk, or eat, or even think clearly--we do not lose heart.  Why?  Because something much more significant is happening.  Our inner self--the part that lives forever is being made new.  Our inner self is learning and growing and talking to Jesus in new and closer ways.

2 Cor. 4:17  For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.

I have believed for a long time that trials are good.  We seek God.  We need Him.  We grow.  We become more and more like Him.  But here was another truth that struck me with new freshness.  Our trials aren't just growing us up, our trials are doing something in eternity.  Each trial is achieving something glorious and weighty in eternity.  Each painful day, each scattered thought, each moment of surrender was producing something in eternity that Christina was about to enjoy.  

2 Cor. 4:18  So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen.  For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

Focusing on Christina's failing health, her weak body, her tired brain, was not God's best.  He wanted us to focus on the unseen.  The eternal.  The weight of glory.  The inner renewing.  All that we can see with our eyes is temporary. What we see feels so compelling because it is so obvious.  It was time for us to "gaze" at the unseen, eternal truth.  

2 Cor 5:4  For while we are in this tent, we groan and are burdened, because we do not wish to be unclothed but to be clothed with our heavenly dwelling, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life."

Christina did not have a death wish (we do not wish to be unclothed).  She had a life wish (but to be clothed with our heavenly dwelling).  The physical nature of our body dying is (for the Christian) nothing more than being swallowed up by life.  Death is a defeated foe for the Christian.  John 3:16 ends with "whoever believes in Him, will never die but have eternal life."  

2 Cor. 5:5  Now it is God who has made us for this very purpose and has given us the Spirit as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come.

Hmmm.   God made us for this very purpose.  To be with Him.  To be swallowed up by life.  I thought of all the roles we think God made us for--a wife, a mother, a friend, a worker in the church, etc.  Those  are just the places we live out our lives in Jesus, but the overriding purpose of our journey is to be clothed with our heavenly dwelling--swallowed up by life.

2 Cor. 5:6-8  Therefore we are always confident and know that as long as we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord.  We live by faith, not by sight.  We are confident, I say and would prefer to be away from the body and at home with the Lord.

Confident?  Always confident? Those are strong words.  Is it really OK to prefer to be away from the body and at home with the Lord?  It was truth for Paul.

Those were words Christina needed to ponder.  We do not lose heart.  Confident.  Eternal weight of glory.  Living by faith, not sight.  Made for the purpose of being with God.

I prayed and went back to bed with joy in my heart.  I woke early and prayed for an opportunity while the house was still quiet to share these things with Christina.  The next thing I knew, Christina was coming down the hall, up very early, wanting to talk.  We sat down and worked through all this truth.

She fully responded to the truth of God's word.  The Sword of the Spirt which is the Word of God had cut through her despair.  Her countenance physically altered.  She relaxed.  She was filled with joy once again.  She said, "Now that is life.  The idea that my physical healing is the only acceptable answer to this situation makes me feel like I am being strangled."  

I believe Christina felt called to join Jesus.  She had prayed for healing many times and had been prayed for many times.  She was absolutely at peace with the fact that there may be a greater glory as she journeyed toward Jesus, toward heaven, toward her perfect healing.  She used that phrase later--swallowed up by life--it defined her.

Everyone who came through the door that day heard this scripture.  God sent others with more truth from the Word.  The cloud was gone and it did not return.  

God's truth prevailed.  

His peace settled in.  

His joy was pervasive. 

The Gift of a Grand Mal Seizure

It seems odd to call a grand mal seizure a gift.  It is what we had tried to prevent for over 5 years.  How can we call it a gift?  Because Christina did.  From her blog post on April 23--"The first seizure, and the following MRI was God’s perfect provision allowing us all to be aware of my new health status."

• We were now aware that Christina's beautiful brain was full of new tumors. 
• Within 24 hours, doctors were all on the same page.  (Thank you Dr. Kathie Hennessey.)
• Within 36 hours, Christina was on Hospice Care.
• Within 48 hours, Christina's friends and family were gathering from all over the world to say good-bye.
• Meals were being delivered by our wonderful IBC family--enough to feed all of our guests.
• Worship (Christina style) was happening nearly every night.
• The house was filled with laughter and love and stories.
• Christina answered many life questions on video--a gift to our hearts.
• We even have a funny video of a very pregnant Linsey Fuller and Christina singing (with motions) a favorite song from middle school days.  (King Jesus is All)
• Christina had 2 beautiful "daddy-daughter" dates.
• She had time to help her loving husband grieve and process about the future.
• She gave us the beautiful pictures and sounds of the unseen reality of heaven.
• A second grand mal seizure was stopped with the words, "Jesus, Peace".  No more seizures.  The first had served the purpose.  The second marked a change of pace but brought with it no trauma, no hospital, no extra care.  Jesus had mercy.

Again, from Christina's blog--"I am so thankful for the beautiful time I/we have all gotten to experience because of this. Friends and family have been able to fly in and I’ve loved the relaxation of my home, only made possible by so many people contributing to help–the Isaiah care, the food, the cleaning, the super fun yard work parties, errands run for us, the worship nights, Doug’s awesome work allowing him to take so much time off. We’ve had overnight baby care (thanks Mom!) for quiet restful nights and sleep-in mornings with lattes waiting for us when we get up. Oh yes. The list goes on and on and on. We are SO thankful."  

Amazing Aunt Loralee--3 months of serving, and worshiper cousin Chris

It could have been much different.  Christina could have just mysteriously declined in ability and function and it would have been impossible to do any of the visits, worship, stories, and final conversations.  Or she could have died during the grand mal seizure.  Or she could have slipped into a coma.  Instead we had the gift of time.  I am thankful everyday for all that happened.  The beautiful, the difficult, the hard to understand.  Jesus was present and powerful every second.  He taught us how to love, how to hope, how to trust.

Surrender to Life

Surrender was a significant word in Christina's life.  Surrender can have negative connotations. It can sound like giving up--giving in. But in God's economy surrender to Him brings life.  Abundant life.  Because He is good.

From Christina's journal, August 27, 2012.  She was pregnant, facing another brain tumor recurrence and pondering her journey.

Five years ago--normal healthy life, exciting 20's, then headaches, financial struggles, and no more boyfriend.  God asks me questions.  "What if these circumstances never change?  Can you live with JOY?"

Fast forward 5 years.  Lived through my worst fear...scary body stuff...still in the thick of it.  Still have cancer, had one recurrence, now another.  How will I be a good mom and also deal with cancer and all its limitations.  Brain surgery and child birth at the same time?  Now the questions are, "Do you trust Me with your child?  With Doug?  Can you joyfully hand them over to Me?  Will you stop comparing yourself to friends and look to Me?"

Throughout her 11 weeks of hospice care, Christina continually surrendered different parts of her life.  Seven weeks into the final journey, (May 17th) she told me she was done trying to figure out details that don't make sense.  (Who is here?  What time is it?  What day is it?)  It was all too hard for her brain.  Really it was enough that she knew all of us and knew Jesus.  Thinking about Jesus always made sense to her.  So she moved to prayer--  "Jesus, I surrender all.  Teach me how to surrender all."  She prayed much more than that but I was stuck on her surrender. I've never seen anyone more surrendered and I wondered what else she could possibly have left to give to Jesus.

I could see that she gave up understanding all that was happening around her.  She had also given over the welfare of Doug and Isaiah and all her family to the care of Jesus.  She knew that He would care for us just as He had cared for her.

May 13, 2013

Now, it seemed likely that she was finally giving up her fear of being cared for as she died.  She hated the idea of being a burden to anyone.  From that moment on, she would mostly just smile and thank us for our care--for every little thing.  She didn't wallow in self-pity or shame because she needed help. Occasionally, she apologized for the fatigue she was causing but it did not grip her heart. And there were times she actually enjoyed the process.  When she needed help walking down the hall, she often entertained us with some try at a dance step or an extra intense "hold" on Doug.  

These surrendered days contained much comfort from the God of all comfort.  She often commented on how great her bed was.  She said it had "comfort built right in."  Now, she felt she was being cradled and carried in the most beautiful way. From her surrendered heart she told me one evening as I knelt by her bed, "We didn't know it would be this easy."  It did not seem easy to me but God was making good on His promise--"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest...For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."  Matthew 11:28, 30.  

Those around her had much to surrender also.  Our sense of timing, our needs, our hopes, our trust.  Christina led the way, giving much direction to those who had ears to hear.  She directed me spiritually several times--issues of timing, forgiveness, and joy.  One day (May 14th), she cryptically said to me, "I hope you enjoy every second of this. If you get robbed of it,  acknowledge it and say something."  She seemed to be very concerned about joy being a part of this journey.  She loved the joy that God had provided through these day--joy that was flowing in spite of our circumstances.  This joy flows out of the heart of God at all times.  She did not want my heart robbed of this treasure.  It was a difficult thing to ponder.  Joy in everything.  Joy that was hard to fight for.  Joy that defies explanation.  Joy found in surrender.  

Why do we resist such a gift?  

Surrender to life.

Surrender to joy.

Surrender to Jesus.

The Hardest Thing--The Right Thing

My heart broke as Christina tried to finish "the letter" to her dear husband, Doug.  She wrote about her desire to write one final letter to Doug, asking God for help, apologizing for waiting so long to do it, wondering if she could complete it.  

I had watched Christina write many updates for her blog. Writing was never, never easy for her.  Hours of labor and soul searching went into each paragraph.  I always said, "Just write a little bit, a paragraph perhaps.  It doesn't have to be a book."  She never took my advice.  She labored and we all benefited from the beautiful truth poured out.  

Near the end of her life,  her brain was riddled with tumors and the process of writing was even more difficult. She could write but had trouble understanding the words she wrote.  Her last entry in her journal began, "I just read through my last journal entry and am laughing because of how jumbled it is."  In reality, her previous journal entry was well written and easy to understand but her brain had trouble deciphering the written word. 

So Christina struggled to write a final letter to Doug.  She closed herself in her room and spent hours and hours over several days trying to put into a Word document what was in her heart.  As I questioned her about her progress she would only say, "It's close.  I just want it to flow and make sense."  And all the while, she was probably making more sense than she knew.  Her struggle was really with her failing eyesight and her declining ability to perceive the written word through her tumor scrambled brain.  I longed to help her, to make it easier.  I wondered if her time would be better spent just talking to Doug instead of isolated and struggling with a project that seemed overwhelming. I wanted her to stop.  She did not stop.  She wrote and wrote until at last she broke down in tears and said, "I can't finish."  She felt so defeated.  Like she had waited too long and it was too late.  She closed her computer and never opened it again.

A week later, I picked up her computer, and printed off the letter.  I was worried that if the computer crashed, the letter that was Christina's last and hardest labor would be lost.  The letter was 6 or 7 pages long.  It was not finished.  It ended with an incomplete sentence.  It had no signature.  But it was priceless to me.  I folded it and put it in an envelope and carried it with me until Christina died.  Then I left it with Doug.  Tonight I asked him if the letter was important.  Here is his answer.

"The letter was God's way of using Christina to minister to every area of my heart.  She gave me counsel and direction for the future--for raising Isaiah and interacting with people.  The Lord used it for healing my heart and it is amazing that she touched every facet of what I was longing for."

It is very sobering to think that if I had my way that letter would never have been written.  Thankfully, Christina knew what she needed to do.  The price was immense.  The fruit of her labor was life changing for Doug.  I am very, very thankful she persevered and left such a valuable and costly gift.  Sometimes the right thing is the hardest thing.  I pray I remember that for the rest of my life.