Remembering the Past and Celebrating Today

May of last year (2013)

My friends ask me how this month is going for me as I remember what we were doing one year ago.  Reading my journal from last May caused some mixed emotions.  It brought back to mind the questions, the difficulties, the exhaustion.  It also reminded me of the unquestionable presence of Jesus.  He was so near Christina and all of us, really.  He let us experience the process of one of His sheep moving into His presence forever.  Each day was another glimpse into forever.  We saw the joy on Christina’s face as she talked about and to Jesus.  We saw light in her mostly blind eyes as she saw and heard angels.  We loved hearing about her new dwelling place with Jesus.  We loved the messages He whispered in her ears.  It is not easy to describe watching someone you love so dearly, move from life on earth to life with Jesus.  There was an awakening deep in Christina that overshadowed the fading of her earthly body. 

Sometimes I shake my head in disbelief as I remember watching Christina take her last breath.  As an isolated incident, it seems too much to bear.  But as a part of the whole journey, it was a necessary moment.  Leaving her earthly body behind—well, it was time.  And it was just a moment.  The rest of the picture is her wide awake spirit, her unhesitant heart, her absolute assurance of heaven, and her total surrender of all earthly cares.

Today, my thoughts may start with a dying body but they quickly move to a very present Savior and a daughter free from exhaustion, from pain, and every other known and unknown struggle she faced.  I feel deep relief for her.  I applaud her well-lived life.  I sing her favorite worship songs and sometimes I think she is singing along with me in that beautiful eternity just beyond the curtain.

Today I also celebrate the day that we are given right now.  There is a beautiful joyful child that reminds me every day of his beautiful, joyful mother.  Isaiah is full of life.  

He has named me Jo Jo and named my Doug, Bampa.  He loves discovery.  He loves to talk.  He loves to play.  He loves the ocean.  He loves cars.  He loves trucks.  He loves to thank Jesus for his food.  He loves to watch his mom on video singing, “King Jesus is All”.  He is our reminder that our lives did not end when Christina breathed her last breath on earth.  When I rock Isaiah to sleep, I am doing it for Christina.  When I teach him something new, I am doing it in honor of her. Every minute with Isaiah is a precious reminder of the value of our days.  

What a beautiful life. 

Thank you, Jesus.  

You are amazing.

Bampa and Jo Jo and Isaiah

Happy Mother's Day--a Bit Early

Last week, in Port Angeles, we were enjoying a rare heat wave. (70 degrees is a heat wave in Port Angeles). As I was working on getting my flower pots planted,  I looked down at my shoes and wished I had something more appropriate for the garden.  And then I remembered, I have Christina's white garden shoes in my front closet.  I ran inside, put them on, and felt very blessed to be wearing those shoes--for the first time.

That got me started--thinking about Christina.  Thinking about the coming Mother's Day.  Remembering last Mother's Day.  

Last year, I spent most of Mother's Day in a darkened room sitting on Christina's bed.  Light was troubling to her fading eyes so we kept the shades down and lights low.  She woke up sick and in pain.  I stayed with her.  She did not know it was Mother's Day and I wasn't about to tell her.  There was no need for her to carry even a little guilt that I was tending to her on Mother's Day or that she was not caring for Isaiah on Mother's Day.  She never came out of her room that day.  As I look back, I feel a bit sad that her only Mother's Day on this earth was one she never celebrated.

 In the afternoon, a friend brought over a feast for our family to enjoy.  I was very humbled that she had spent her Mother's Day working in her kitchen to make our Mother's Day special.  She just said she loved to cook and it was no problem.

At some point that day, I walked through the cemetery near our house.  I wrote in my journal,  "wasn't as hard as I thought it would be".  I also wrote, "Christina's earthly cares are very dim.  She still wants to pray and engage about Jesus but the everyday details of life are hard for her to put together.  Her balance is way off and she is very weak.  This is not easy but God cares about Christina more than I do.  He is guarding her and carrying her."

A day later I wrote, "My job is to surrender all.  Lord, if this process takes a year, I will do it.  I am here for the long haul.  Enough of thinking days or weeks.  I give it all to you.  It's all yours.  Thank you for the work you are doing.  The long process of letting go.  Your grace is sufficient.  Your power is perfected in my weakness."

As I look at my journal from a year ago, I remember the difficulty of not knowing what each day would bring.  I remember saying that there is no definition until the end.  No one knows the last walk, or the last conversation, or the last prayer until it is all over.  My heart goes out to all people who are in the middle of the undefined time.  It is very, very difficult to live in the moment.  It is exhausting.  I remember wondering if I could manage one more week or even one more day.  And yet, somehow, God sustains through it all.

Psalm 30:10-12

Hear, O LORD, and be merciful to me; O LORD, be my help."

You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,

that my heart may sing to you and not be silent.  O LORD my God, I will give you thanks forever.

 The Lord has been my help and thanking Him brings deep peace and powerful perspective to my life.

I am thankful for gardening shoes that remind me of Christina.

I am thankful for Isaiah's "help" as I planted flower pots (on the condition that his John Deere tractor was moved outside.)

I am thankful for Isaiah--his joy--his love of learning--his sense of humor.  

I am thankful for tulips that were her favorite flower.  Every tulip reminds me of her.

I am thankful for the beauty of this world.

I am thankful for the little slips of paper in two jars.  Long ago gifts from Christina.  Thirty in each jar.  They say, "I love you because..."  Sixty different reasons she loved me. I look at one nearly every day.

I am thankful for the wonderful young women that I shared a little bit of life with this past week--a gift straight from heaven.

I am thankful for future opportunities to work with women in faraway countries--to declare God's glory among the nations.

I am thankful for a husband to cry and laugh with and for a son who shares his joys and sorrows and his music with me.

I am thankful for all of the encouraging people that surround at just the right times.

And most of all, I am thankful that Jesus makes this life worth it all.

HOPE!!!

Resurrection Sunday.  Why such a big deal?  By the end of last week, my heart felt heavy.  Very heavy.  I do not know why.  I went to bed Saturday night thinking I could not possibly join in the celebration in the morning.  I also knew deep within me that it was vitally necessary that I participate in our Resurrection Sunday service.

Surprisingly, I woke up early feeling hope.  Something was stirring in the deep places (or perhaps the heavenly realm).  I found my heart looking forward to the celebration about to begin.  The importance of Jesus conquering death is more important to my heart this year. How can one lose a daughter with no hope of eternity with Jesus? If Jesus could not or would not conquer death, it means the rest of us have no hope of eternity with Him and all of life feels quite pointless.

The music of Resurrection Sunday triumphantly declares truth.  By the time we had started worshiping at the first service, I felt like heaven had opened up and we could all join in the celebration of conquered death. I cannot sing or play some of these songs without having my heart feel like it will burst within me with the joy of truth washing over difficult circumstances.

The song, "Great I Am" by Jared Anderson has lyrics that propel me into the glory of God.  

I want to be close, close to Your side

So heaven is real and death is a lie

I want to hear voices of angels above

Singing as one.

Hallelujah, holy, holy, God Almighty

The Great I Am

Who is worthy? None beside Thee,

God Almighty, the Great I Am.

The mountains shake before Him

The demons run and flee

At the mention of the name

King of Majesty.

There is no power in Hell

or any who can stand

Before the power and the Presence

of the Great I Am.

One of the Bible verses that Christina loved as she was moving into the presence of Jesus was 2 Corinthians 5:4  "For while we are in this tent, we groan and are burdened, because we do not wish to be unclothed but to be clothed with our heavenly dwelling,so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life."

How often do we talk about dying as "being swallowed up by life"?  That is the way Christina started to refer to her leaving her physical body.   I wonder why we proclaim Jesus as Lord and then act like leaving here to go be with Him is such a tragedy.  Being with Jesus is life!  

"Heaven is real and death is a lie."

We learn John 3:16 as children and most of us can recite it but I wonder if we believe it.

For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son that whoever believes in Him should never perish but have everlasting life.

"Heaven is real and death is a lie."

In John 17, Jesus' prayer just before his crucifixion, he prayed, "Father, I want those you have given me to be with me where I am, and to see my glory..."

Jesus' deep desire is to have us with Him.  Does that feel amazing?  

He desires us to be with Him, to see His glory.  He has much to show us.  We are so earth bound and yet, He has endless Good to share with us.  

Have you ever longed for someone to be with you?  Have you ever had something that you wanted to share with those you love--perhaps a new house or a new location or a new baby.  Just multiply that desire over and over and imagine Jesus waiting for you--to show you His glory, to show you Heaven, to show you the throne room, or the River of Life.  Can you get a little excited with me?  Christina was VERY excited as this journey unfolded for her.  We saw and heard little pieces of what Jesus was already sharing with her.  The angels singing, her special dock, the window, continual access to the presence of Jesus, so many conversations with Him.  

On Sunday, we also sang "Christ is Risen" by Matt Maher.  It made me want to shake my fist at hell and raise my arms to Jesus, and motion to the church to come along--all at once!

Christ is risen from the dead

trampling over death by death.

Come awake, come awake

come and rise up from the grave.

O death, where is your sting?

O hell, where is your victory?

O church come stand in the light.

The glory of God has defeated the night!

Singing, O death where is your sting?

O hell, where is your victory?

O church, come stand in the light.

Our God is not dead

He's alive! He's alive!!!

I long for my heart to be captured by this truth every day.  No matter what.  I long for the church of Jesus to be looking so deeply at Jesus that the trouble and trials of this world fade to insignificance.

Hebrews 12:2-3

Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.  Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

It is so easy to lose heart when our eyes are fixed on our circumstances.  It seems that fixing our eyes on Jesus, keeps our hearts full of strength and hope.

Resurrection Sunday, 2013, Isaiah's Baby Dedication

 I wanted to share this baby dedication picture from last year, just to illustrate what a difference one year can make.  Christina was 2 months from entering Jesus' presence, our Pastor Mike was days away from a heart attack (which he survived beautifully), and Isaiah wasn't yet walking and talking.  My head spins with the reality of time passing.  We have no control over what a year will hold but we know the One who can walk with us through anything a year can bring.

The Power of Friends

 I am remembering last year like it was yesterday.  In early April of 2013, after Christina was placed on hospice, we had several worship nights with Christina (at her request).  She knew she was moving quickly to the arms of Jesus, and wanted to spend time fixing her eyes and heart on Jesus.  I feel so privileged that she invited us to join her. 

Many friends and relatives had traveled long miles to say good-bye to Christina.  These wonderful guests and many local people joined in our worship nights.    Christina was exceedingly joyful and excited to have so many beloved people in the same room praising God.

Nathaniel Wilson, Adam Lamb, Doug (and babies)

One dear friend of Christina’s, Adam Lamb, spoke to me after a worship night.  Adam is a long time family friend and happens to be married to Stacey, a former roommate of Christina’s.  (Christina had quite a reputation for good match-making!) Adam’s words that night moved my heart so deeply, I asked him to write out, in my journal, what he said.

Here are some excerpts:

“My thoughts after last night’s amazing worship/prayer session—

1.  I heard prayer asking for a miracle to happen or lamenting Christina’s dying—in response to this my heart wanted to shout out that this time IS the miracle!  The fact that we are all together with a pretty (and pretty) pain-free Christina was and is a miracle!!  In a way, I felt bad for the people that were sad—we should be rejoicing FOR Christina, and we should be jealous of her situation!  How many people get to spend their last chunk of time on earth being so surrounded by family, friends, friends that are family, to love and worship our Father!?

2.  We should all be so lucky to have as great an impact on this world and for the kingdom in our “long” lives, as Christina has in hers, even if hers ends today.

3.  The impact she has had even in the celebration over this last week has been massive and likely bigger than the impact that many will have in their entire lives!  Even after people have long stopped speaking of Christina, her impact in this world will still be present and full as people continue to pay forward the gifts of our Lord that Christina continues to reflect.

4.  This time has been like nothing I have been able to share with any other friends I have lost.  I’ve never been so happy for a friend, while being so personally sad.  I cried a ton and smiled through the tears last night.  While I don’t want to say good-bye before it is time, it is great to share the hugs knowing we need to savor each one.

5.  So, while the roller coaster will be tough, we will all be worshipping together in heaven before we know it, and there’s a good chance that Christina’s amazing perspective and attitude will help a few more people meet the Lord and join us in that worship.

6.  Christina’s soul is super ALIVE and ON FIRE!  We should all be so lucky!!!

Thank you, Adam.  Christina talked about her spirit “waking up” as she moved closer and closer to heaven.  She loved hearing the Bible read out loud, and loved to pray, and loved to sing or just hear worship—even to her last day on earth.  She was feeling freedom and life coming her way.  Any earthly perspective began to feel like chains around her neck. 

Another close friend, Christy Wilson, came by during that time and left a remarkable letter with Christina.  Christy wrote the book, “The Serpent and the Sparrow” that chronicled the first few years of Christina’s cancer journey.  Christy knew Christina well and shared Christina’s eternal perspective.  I have asked her permission to share this letter.

Christy Wilson, Stacey Lamb, Christina (and babies)

 For: Christina

From: Christy Wilson

I love you!

We see through a glass darkly, and say ‘What a shame.’  But clearly, ‘What a gift!’

You are the gift:

·      A beacon to a frightened world; shining brightly here, even brighter where you go.

·      A reservoir of peace spilling onto any who dare bring their troubles near you.

·      You are friendliness, loyalty, joy. 

·      A gift.

Your life was a gift:

·      You have spent your time amongst us—loved, cherished, a sister, a friend.

·      Blessed with laughter.

You leave us a gift, in your baby boy:

·      A piece of you, you graciously leave to our care.

·      One day he will appreciate why we always look for bits of you in him.

God gives you a gift now:

·      He wants you home.

·      You’ve run your race…earned your “Well done, Good and Faithful Servant.”

·      Relinquish forever your fears and concerns for others—they don’t belong to you anymore.

·      Now you can go to a place where the energy never runs dry; where life never fades.

·      Your mansion awaits!

We see the gift.  You have completed your Holy Task.  We stay behind to complete ours, renewed for having seen you do it with such grace and strength and vulnerability. 

These tears—we are not sad for you—we’re just going to miss you!

We see the gift.  Now Go.  Accept your Gift.  We are happy for you.

Thank you, Christy.

These two friends, along with many, many others, have shared this intimate journey in such significant ways.  Never underestimate the power of a shared path.  We help one another along and remind each other to look up.  Look into the eyes of Jesus.  He is not far from each one of us.  He is the power, the love, and the encouragement that we need to keep going.  To Him be the glory forever and ever. 

It Was a Year Ago...

One of many worship nights.

This time last year, Christina had just had her one and only grand mal seizure which marked the beginning of hospice care.  Memories are flooding my heart and I spend much time thinking, reading journals, remembering and contemplating what this year has brought. 

This morning, I reread her last journal which began January 25, 2013.

She began, “I love this journal!  Thanks, Lord, for finishing my other journal at the perfect time so I would be ready to start completely fresh in this huge new chapter in my life!  I’m ready to dive in with you, Jesus.  I sense brand new challenges coming—beyond just health, beyond even marriage and motherhood although these will always be in the obvious mix every day.  Some days they will be the focus, but some days you will call me to plunge so much deeper into the scary areas of the heart…

So, please help me, speak to me, and have mercy on me, Father, as I walk through this with you.  I will fail, on a consistent basis, but I ask always for strength and prompting to confess my failures, not take for granted your forgiveness, and have the faith to put my faith and your lessons into action.  Help me know also, Lord, always, that your strength truly is made known and perfect in my weakness.  When I surrender my weaknesses, which feel miles long, to you and let you walk me into them teaching me to say “NO” to fear, that is when your glory can be made known through me.

And that is my biggest desire for my life lived on this earth…

I need you, Jesus, every moment.  I can’t wait for this next journey with you.  Difficult, sweet, and rich!!”

Time with Isaiah.

Reading back, it seems prophetic.  She knew something big was coming.  Maybe she knew she was facing the end of her days on earth.  Her pain was intense and her brain was acting up on a daily basis.  Maybe she knew these struggles were leading to her transfer to the presence of Jesus.

A few weeks after being placed on hospice care, Christina’s journal reflected her strong desire to spend time with Jesus.

April 16^th, 2013

“Lord, thank you for today, thank you for the sunshine.  Thank you for getting to go to Isaiah’s little check up, and thank you for the BEAUTIFUL sunny day once again.  Feels like a special gift just for me, although I know what a beautiful gift it is for others as well. 

I just need time with you Jesus.  Craving it, starving without it.  Please, Lord, teach me how to take time to just sit with you—not worried about entertaining, visiting, or missing out on anything.  I love people and value the time they are choosing to spend with me more than anything!  But NOT over time with you, Lord.  Help me to do that…

Oh Lord, I need you, every second, every day.  Teach me to do this—quiet and writing, sitting in solitude at your feet.  It’s my absolute favorite thing.  Teach me how to do it in its own special way as this new schedule, life flow develops.  It feeds my soul.  Teach me how to enter in again.  In any environment it can and does happen, but there’s something about me deciding to STOP and separate myself to you.  Sit alone with you because I want to and need to.  I love you, Lord.”

I am astonished that someone who knew she was about to meet Jesus face to face is still solely focused on spending intimate time with Him—every day, all day. 

How much more do we, who might have many more days, need to saturate ourselves in His presence.  Christina was battling fear and despair and knew that both were dealt with in the presence of Jesus.  The source of Christina’s joy was Jesus.  The evidence of her life with Jesus was the joy that was present in her words, her countenance, and her conversations.  The very end of this entry in her journal was,

“Jesus, thank you for your joy. 

I never expected or even knew that I could experience it now

and in this powerful way. 

You are so kind my Jesus.  So kind.

I love you.”

Always laughing with Linsey.

Christina’s life continues to instruct me—to focus on Jesus, to spend time with Him.  It is true that He is the answer to fear and despair. 

He is joy.  

He is truth. 

He is hope.

 He is life.

I hope in this sampling of pictures taken in Christina's final weeks that you can see evidence of the beautiful joy of Jesus radiating from her.  I know that these pictures always make me smile.

Nothing like a latte and a husband:)

Special walks with Doug and Isaiah.

Playing with Isaiah.

A hug for her brother.

The Give and Take of Love

Christina and Aunt Loralee

We are thinking a lot about Christina these days.  I love learning of Christina’s quality relationships with others.  She loved very well and she was very loved.

My sister, Loralee, just celebrated a birthday.  At her birthday dinner this past week, she read a message that Christina sent to her last year. 

Christina wrote, “Life is SO full of surprises, love it!  Maybe you should come for another long visit?  I love having you around!  And I’m not just saying that:)  This is the secret truth, you ready?  You, Aunt Loralee are one of my favorite people in my life.  I don’t even know all the reasons why except you feel safe to me.  I love how you care for the depths of people’s hearts, especially mine when I get to be around you!  I love your questions, I love your nurturing heart in all you do leading to such beautiful servanthood and compassion.  I love your creativity and humor!  I love how you love your kids.  I LOVE how you seek our Lord in such evident ways in your life.  You radiate Jesus so beautifully, Loralee.  I have never shared all that with you, but I saw your text and thought, this would be a perfect time:)  I love you, and hope we do get to see you soon!”

Little did any of us know, Loralee would have an extended stay with us as she cared for us all during Christina’s 11 weeks of Hospice.  Loralee took care of Isaiah much of the time.  She organized and served the food that was graciously provided by our church family for those 3 months.  Loralee saw needs and met them.  She cleaned the Nevill home and the Ahmann home.  She did ALL of our laundry.  She welcomed a few hundred visitors to the Nevill home—fed them, asked them how they were doing with this goodbye to Christina, and loved everyone well.  And perhaps the most lasting gift—she used her gift of photography to chronicle those last 11 weeks.

Christina knew her Aunt Loralee and valued her and wasn’t hesitant to share those feelings.  And she was a bit prophetic about wanting some extended time with Loralee.  Christina got what she wanted.

Also this week, Christina’s 13 year old cousin wrote a poem about Christina.  It was another beautiful declaration of love—this time to Christina.

“If I Could”

If I could, I would walk over every mountainside, just to hear from you again.

If I could, I would visit you at heaven’s gates.

But if the light had not taken you, I could not.

If God permitted a walk along your never-ending dock,

even the birds know I would.

With smiles full of grace we’d meet at heaven’s gates,

just to show you, oh cousin, I would.

But because heaven already knows your name,

I’ll have to wait a few more days.

Until I see you again, just remember, If I could, I would.

--Chloe Van Dyke

P.S.  This poem is dedicated to my cousin Christina, who died after her fourth brain tumor and she left behind her baby boy.  We love you, Christina!  Have fun on your dock!

Chloe and Christina

I am so thankful for all of this love flowing between these people I love so much.  Remembering Christina brings such joy to my heart as I reflect on the quality of relationship she shared with those around her.

 Thank you, Christina,

for investing in others and for 
loving well as you shared your life.

How to Celebrate a Birthday

Christina's 4th Birthday

 Christina always loved celebrating birthdays.  Today would have been her 32nd birthday and so we are celebrating in honor of her.

None of her birthdays were as special as the six birthdays she celebrated after her brain cancer diagnosis.  She was 25 at the time and her oncologist told her that an average life expectancy for someone with her type of tumor was 4 to 7 years. 

Christina's Miracle B-day

Christina did a little quick math and declared that if she made it to 30 she would consider it her miracle birthday.  If any of her friends complained about “feeling old” as their own 30^th birthday approached, she would gently remind them that she was looking forward to the miracle of turning 30.

Thinking of a March 4^th without Christina here to celebrate has not been easy.  Do we have a party at home?  How about a little gathering to worship?  How about some flowers at her grave?  Or maybe nothing at all?

OR

How about doing something she really loved to do—with Doug and Isaiah?

So here we are in Hawaii—a place she loved.  There are four of us—my Doug and I along with Doug and Isaiah. Kauai is where Doug and Christina had their honeymoon so we are revisiting some of Doug’s treasured memories.  And now he’s making some new ones with Isaiah. I think Christina would be pleased with this choice for her birthday.

Christina with brother Jesse in 2008

Christina would be very happy to know that she gave birth to the perfect little beach lover.  Give Isaiah sand, bucket, shovel, waves, and lots of room to roam and he is happy for as long as we will let him play.  We wonder if Jesus has informed Christina that in honor of her, we are smiling and laughing at the antics of her little guy.  We are delighted as the roosters of Kauai have taught Isaiah what a real “Cock-a-Doodle-Doo” sounds like.  He keeps us amused as he also mimics every other bird sound that he hears--and there are some interesting ones in Kauai.

The swimming pool is another great delight.  His little swimming lessons have come in handy.  The only distraction he allows from swimming is jumping out of the pool to see if the sea turtles are still swimming in the ocean just below.

Last night we went to a luau on the beach.  Doug had not been to one and we knew Isaiah would be delighted with the colorful dancing.  It is something Christina would have loved for us to enjoy as a birthday celebration.  I mean, really, fire dancing seems an appropriate way to celebrate Christina.  We all agreed she would have been one of the audience participants learning to hula on stage.  The girl was hard to embarrass.  

So here we are. March 4^th is upon us.  She was very worried that those who loved her would know only suffering after she was gone.  I think to be able to laugh and love and look forward is a great way to honor her joyful heart and her passion for life.

We love you, Christina.

We miss you.

 Thank you for teaching us how to celebrate.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

 CHRISTINA