How to Celebrate a Birthday

Christina's 4th Birthday

 Christina always loved celebrating birthdays.  Today would have been her 32nd birthday and so we are celebrating in honor of her.

None of her birthdays were as special as the six birthdays she celebrated after her brain cancer diagnosis.  She was 25 at the time and her oncologist told her that an average life expectancy for someone with her type of tumor was 4 to 7 years. 

Christina's Miracle B-day

Christina did a little quick math and declared that if she made it to 30 she would consider it her miracle birthday.  If any of her friends complained about “feeling old” as their own 30^th birthday approached, she would gently remind them that she was looking forward to the miracle of turning 30.

Thinking of a March 4^th without Christina here to celebrate has not been easy.  Do we have a party at home?  How about a little gathering to worship?  How about some flowers at her grave?  Or maybe nothing at all?

OR

How about doing something she really loved to do—with Doug and Isaiah?

So here we are in Hawaii—a place she loved.  There are four of us—my Doug and I along with Doug and Isaiah. Kauai is where Doug and Christina had their honeymoon so we are revisiting some of Doug’s treasured memories.  And now he’s making some new ones with Isaiah. I think Christina would be pleased with this choice for her birthday.

Christina with brother Jesse in 2008

Christina would be very happy to know that she gave birth to the perfect little beach lover.  Give Isaiah sand, bucket, shovel, waves, and lots of room to roam and he is happy for as long as we will let him play.  We wonder if Jesus has informed Christina that in honor of her, we are smiling and laughing at the antics of her little guy.  We are delighted as the roosters of Kauai have taught Isaiah what a real “Cock-a-Doodle-Doo” sounds like.  He keeps us amused as he also mimics every other bird sound that he hears--and there are some interesting ones in Kauai.

The swimming pool is another great delight.  His little swimming lessons have come in handy.  The only distraction he allows from swimming is jumping out of the pool to see if the sea turtles are still swimming in the ocean just below.

Last night we went to a luau on the beach.  Doug had not been to one and we knew Isaiah would be delighted with the colorful dancing.  It is something Christina would have loved for us to enjoy as a birthday celebration.  I mean, really, fire dancing seems an appropriate way to celebrate Christina.  We all agreed she would have been one of the audience participants learning to hula on stage.  The girl was hard to embarrass.  

So here we are. March 4^th is upon us.  She was very worried that those who loved her would know only suffering after she was gone.  I think to be able to laugh and love and look forward is a great way to honor her joyful heart and her passion for life.

We love you, Christina.

We miss you.

 Thank you for teaching us how to celebrate.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

 CHRISTINA

Not Here Yet Not Forgotten

A few years ago, Christina and I were on a Mediterranean cruise together.  It was a dream trip for her and one that I am thankful I did not put off.  We had saved money to replace carpet in our house and I remember the sweeping realization about how much I would hate that carpet if I chose it over the trip of a lifetime with my "limited time on earth" daughter.  She was two years into her cancer journey and feeling somewhat normal. It took me about one minute to realize the cruise needed to happen.  She thought it would be perfect because we travel in similar styles and enjoyed each other's company without a lot of effort. A few days into the cruise,  Christina had renewed some friendships among the employees of the cruise line.  (Okay, so we might have cruised on this particular ship a few months earlier in a different location.)   Word had traveled among employees, and it became apparent that many knew she had a rather lethal form of cancer.  She received some very special treatment in some wonderful restaurants.  She knew how to make people laugh and she loved so very well.

One evening, after a nice conversation with some very special  friends, I went into a deep grieving process.  I realized that someday I would be meeting new people and my daughter would be a memory.  I knew that I would not be able to describe her and I would desperately miss watching her love people and watch people loving her.  I would be unable to describe her in any effective way.  I tried to picture saying, "Oh you would have loved Christina.  She was funny and engaging and deep and she loved Jesus with her whole heart."  And I imagined a blank stare in response.  And I cried.  

Now that she has been gone for eight months, I see things quite differently.  Here are some gifts that have helped me to see that Christina will not be forgotten and there are ways to describe her that bring life and hope to others.

1.  Her childhood to adulthood friend, Linsey, has started a blog about Christina and her heart for worship.  She intends to use music to describe Christina's life and heart and their friendship.  Linsey also hopes to have a worship service next year to celebrate Christina and her love of worship. linsey-fuller.squarespace.com Not here yet not forgotten.

2.  Her babyhood to adulthood friend, Mandy, has just given birth to a baby girl and named her Christina Joy.  Mandy is looking forward to describing "big" Christina to "little" Christina.  Not here yet not forgotten.

3.  My husband and I drove out to the cemetery this week and found one of Christina's newer friends standing at Christina's headstone and remembering.  Not here yet not forgotten.

4.  Little Isaiah loves to listen to the two books that Christina recorded.  He pulls them down, opens them up, listens as he turns the pages and says, "Momma, momma."  (Very joyfully).  Not here yet not forgotten.

5.  Christina moved back to Port Angeles--all because a young man named Doug Nevill was pursuing her.  Christina became a vital part of our community, joined in leadership of women's ministry, and developed friendships with people that I share much of life with.  So, so many people can share stories of Christina and I do not have to figure out a way to describe her.  Not here yet not forgotten.

6.  There are two other little girls with "Christina" in their names.  One big sister of Grace Christina said that Christina means "Christ follower" and that is what Mrs. Nevill is.  Not here yet not forgotten.

7.  I recently went to India and had an opportunity to speak to a group of children who have at least one parent missing and live in an orphanage.  I told the story of brave Doug and Christina and their joyful son Isaiah. I told about Isaiah who now has no mommy but has abounding joy. I told about how Isaiah is loved and created by God and his life has great purpose.  Those little children seemed to love Doug and Christina and Isaiah.  I am humbled that Christina can be known in India through a story and that her little guy Isaiah carries the same flavor of joy that characterized Christina's life.

My great fear of being unable to describe Christina and my fear that she will be forgotten or unknown has been dealt a severe blow.  Thank you, Lord.

Six Months

Christina looking forward with her Auntie Jen

Christina went to be with Jesus six months ago today.  In many ways, it seems like yesterday and yet it seems like so long ago, we were wondering how long she would be with us.  We were walking day by day with no idea which day would be her last on this earth.  Her last day came on June 13th, 2013.

After many delays, Christina’s memorial headstone was put in place this week.  I have visited the cemetery so often and hoped every day that I would see that stone in place.  Finally on Wednesday, it was completed.  I got the call and burst into tears.  My sister, Jennifer and I bundled up Isaiah  and drove quickly to the cemetery and met my husband, Doug there.  More tears.  Finally.  The remembrance stone that tells her story.

I have loved walking through cemeteries for as long as I can remember.  Not because I am morbid, but because I love people and their stories.  I love to honor those that have completed their lives on this earth by standing for a moment and wondering—

What was their life like?

Did they love life?

Why did they die so young? 

How did they live so long?

Does anyone still remember them?

Did they know the One who made them?

I love headstones that tell a story.  Of course, not all the details but enough to know the essence of the life lived. 

Doug Nevill, Doug Ahmann (too many Dougs) and I labored over this stone.  We wanted Christina’s life to be understood by those who stop to read.  We wanted it to reflect her joy, her courage, and her wonderful God.  We wanted Isaiah to understand a bit of his heritage as he grows.  We thought it important that “mother of Isaiah” was part of her permanent history.  Little Isaiah will see his name there and know that he had a mom who was proud of him.  It is the only other name on this stone besides her own.

The tree on the front is an artist's rendering of the tree on our bluff that Christina loved so much.  She had a drawing of that tree on her wedding invitations.  It is a bit of what she loved in this world.

And  we have her life verse.  Timid by nature, she learned to trust God with her whole self because, “God did not give us a spirit of timidity but of power, and love, and a sound mind.”  Because God spoke that verse into her heart, she chose courage over fear many, many times.  She faced cancer with courage.  She faced marriage with courage.  She faced motherhood with courage.  She faced death with courage.  All because she knew the One who gave her power and love and a sound mind.

Her joy is represented by the statement—

The Joy of the Lord is Our Strength

Anyone who spent just a few moments with Christina could see her joy.  She met often with Jesus to talk about trusting Him and living for Him and He freely gave her His amazing joy.  The miracle of her joy is that even when she was placed on hospice care with just weeks to live, her joy increased.  To watch her worship, you would never have guessed she was facing death.  That is the miracle of God pouring out joy and it becoming our strength. 

On the back of her headstone is a quote from her first few months into her cancer journey.  It is there so that people can understand in her own words that her faith was real, her life is not over, and she is very excited to be with Jesus.

It says--I am okay because my life is not my own.  I am okay because my joy does not come with the 'joys' of this life.  Philippians 1:21 says, "for to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain."  I am excited to live in Christ joyfully and with full abandon as long as He has me on this earth, and then for goodness sakes, I'm excited for eternity too!

The eagle is a constant symbol to all of us that “Those who wait upon the Lord will renew their strength.  They will mount up with wings like eagles.  They will run and not be weary.  They will walk and not faint.”  Isaiah 40:31

I pray that everyone who stops for a moment to wonder about this 31 year old woman will be able to piece together enough of her life to see her courage, her joy, and her faith in a very great God.

A Letter to Doug and Christina

Dear Doug and Christina,

November 26th, 2013 would be your second anniversary.  It was such a short time you had together.  From your first date to the day Christina left to be with Jesus was two years and three months.  You lived a masterpiece in that short time.  You laughed, you loved, you cried, you prayed.  I remember the night of the proposal.  So full of hope and joy. Your wedding was everything you had hoped.  It was intimate--tucked away in the Lake Quinault Lodge.  The honeymoon of your dreams in Kauai was a great start to your days together.

Doug, you entered Christina's life at one of her weakest times.  You wanted to be her encourager and much, much more.  Not only did you encourage her, you led her into marriage and into the "no fear" decision of having a child.   You did what few young men have to do.  You learned to care for Isaiah in the NICU.  You were the first to change his diaper.  You learned how to speak softly in order to let him sleep and grow.  You learned to touch him gently and firmly--to give security but not distress him.  You were the "Isaiah" expert.  And you cared for your beautiful wife through two surgeries, two weeks apart.  You moved between Isaiah's hospital room and Christina's hospital room, caring for both. 

It was a sweet move back to Port Angeles--bringing Isaiah home for the first time.  Isaiah grew and you and Christina enjoyed your first months of parenting.

Too soon, you learned that your young wife would be leaving this earth. You talked about your shared dreams for Isaiah, you comforted her at night when she was confused.  You prepared her food just like she liked it and you kept track of all her medications.  And you did it selflessly.  No one would have blamed you if you had said, "I can't do this."  But you did it.  All.  Beautifully.  You have moved into a place in my heart forever.

Christina, you let someone into your special world--a world that contained a radical walk of faith, cancer, and plenty of uncertainty.  You let go of the idea that you could protect everyone from feeling pain as you left us.  You loved Doug and Isaiah--to the very end.  You prayed so often for those two that I can picture those prayers as incense still before the throne of God.  Nothing wasted.  

Christina, when you shared with me that you were so sorry you had never had time to make Doug a wedding album, I wondered if I should do it.  I thought about it but it felt wrong.  Small.  So instead, I made Doug and Isaiah a little book about your life together.  All two years and three months worth.  It is the story of a first date, a proposal, a wedding, a birth, and a walk right into eternity.

I want to tell you both--well done.  Thank you for trusting God.  Thank you for loving each other.  Thank you for the gift of Isaiah.  Seldom does life come with such beautiful closure--but I feel it.

Christina, you live on with Jesus.

Doug, you live on here with joy and strength--forever changed because of your 2 years and 3 months with Christina.

Isaiah, your adventure continues--fueled by the prayers of your faithful birth Mom.

Much Love,

Mom (Grammie Jo)

How to Pray for Your Children--Christina's Last Message to Isaiah

Opening his presents:)

This past week, we celebrated Isaiah's first birthday.  November 1st brought a flood of emotion for me. It's the anniversary of the start of Christina's final days with us.  One year ago, we were told that the UW medical team was ready to move.  A C-section, a NICU (newborn Intensive Care Unit), a brain surgery, and chemo all came into focus.  We were jolted into action.  My own faith was stretched as I watched my 7 week early grandson struggle to breathe.  I watched my beautiful daughter cry over her new son and wonder if his struggle to breathe was all her fault.  I watched son-in-law, Doug, cope with a new reality that most 26 year old men never face.  He moved between the NICU room of his new little son to the different hospital rooms of his young wife.

In the midst of it all, we saw God move and felt His strong hands hold us.

To celebrate Isaiah's birthday, I watched the last video we made of Christina.  She was a couple of weeks into hospice care and we knew we would not have her with us for many more days.  I had no idea how much longer she would be able to express herself well.  We had a beautiful time together.  We asked her questions and she answered--with clarity and humor and love.  Here is the last question I asked her that day.

“If you could speak to Isaiah as he’s growing up, what would you tell him?  What do you want for his life?  What are your hopes for him?"

With a long pause and then tears, Christina said,  "I would say---Isaiah, you are so loved.  (More tears)  There is great purpose for your life and you are loved most strongly, passionately, intensely, intimately by our Heavenly Father, and that will never change.  

Your Mom and Dad love you very much.  The most amazing miracle in our lives is you.  One we didn’t know how to pray for, ask for, hope for, but God knew and He had a plan specifically for you on this earth and in our lives.  

You have been the scariest part to surrender--your little life.  It feels out of our control.  But our lives aren’t in control anyway and our Heavenly Father is the one who ordains our journeys.  I am so excited for your journey and that I got to be a part of it, no matter how long it is.  From sweet belly rubs and prayers to cuddling with my newborn and seeing your smile light up a room and envelop your whole body.  You need to know that there is no greater blessing in my life and your dad’s life and in our family, grandparents and friends who get to observe our family’s life and what that has been.  

So for you, with greatest prayer always, my hope is for you to be deeply intertwined with the Spirit of Jesus and you feel Him from the beginning.  From now, you are already tapped into the Spirit, and I really feel that.  My prayer is that it just continues.  That He always has a hold of your heart and that you always give it to Him fully.  I can’t wait to see what that looks like and I pray for those things over and over again.  It is so fun. 

My most favorite prayer is that you will be a leader.  

You will be filled with compassion. 

I don’t see arrogance in you.  You’re just a baby right now (laughter).  It’s hard for a baby to be arrogant probably. 

I just see a lover of God and a lover of people.  I don’t know why I see that, but I do.  I love praying that prayer for you.  

I can’t wait to see what God does and how He works in your story to reach whoever He may put in front of you.  Whether that has to do with this story or whether that has to do with  your own things that come up and how you choose to enter in with the Lord and enter in with people and their journeys.  I can’t wait and

 it’s totally unlimited when you choose to follow Him."

Continuing Gifts...

Christina and Stacy

This past week, one of Christina's good friends spent the week with me.  Stacy became Christina's friend through mutual cancer diagnosis' in the fall of 2007.  Stacy was overseas and was being sent home for treatment.  She and I spent some time on the phone and then one year later, I invited Stacy to our home to meet me face to face and also to meet Christina.  I didn't even know if they would like each other.  Apparently, Stacy was not too thrilled with Christina's blog.  She was not sure Christina was for real:)  Well, it all worked out in their first 5 minutes of comparing stories, encouraging one another, and laughing together.  I still remember one snippet of conversation when Christina mentioned how tired she continued to be even a year after surgery and radiation.  Stacy said, "That is completely normal.  You know that don't you.  You don't know that?  How could you not know that.  Of course you should take naps--lots of naps."  What freedom for Christina.  It was the first time she had ever talked to another young cancer survivor.  Yeah for naps!  Lots of naps!

Stacy also happens to be a hospice nurse and has attended many brain cancer patients.  We talked through Christina's last weeks.  Stacy had visited twice during those last 11 weeks but was not here when Christina died and was not able to attend the memorial service.  So, we talked through it all.  What a gift to my heart--to share again the things that stunned me, that made me laugh, that made me cry.  Stacy opened my eyes a little further to the miracle of Christina's last days.  It was quite unlike what Stacy has seen in other patients..  For Christina to be aware to the end and to even be able to communicate at all in the last week was truly a gift.  I see again that God gave Christina exactly what she asked for--an answer to her entire prayer.  I posted the prayer on my first blog entry but it bears repeating because it is so amazing to see God answer so specifically.  It was a prayer from April 16th, 2013--two months before she moved into the full presence of Jesus.

"Lord, can I ask a simple, maybe even selfish request until the moment I go home?  Will you somehow miraculously allow me to stay vibrant, coherent, clear minded, and fully able to feel you, express you, and maintain my own personality in this process?  Oh, Lord, I can't imagine a better way to end my days--besides perhaps getting to lead someone to the Lord personally somehow.  I pray that the way I go is not traumatic to anyone who might have to witness it.  May it be peace, peace, peace.  May it be a time where your presence is so beautiful, thick, and joyful that no one witnessing it or even hearing about it would ever deny you.  Lord, please put the exact people to be there that need to be, for their own hearts, for mine, and for your biggest glory to be known.  I so deeply trust you with this too, Lord.  I don't wish to die, Lord, but I do long to see your face, and I feel it stronger every day.  To be swallowed up by life, REAL LIFE.  Thank you Jesus for this excitement.  It gives me a bit of a skip in my step, even with an 'ouchie' back.  :)

JESUS, THANK YOU FOR YOUR JOY!

I never expected or even knew that I could experience it now and in this powerful way.  You are so kind, my Jesus.  So kind.  I love you."  Christina

Christina, Christy Meyer Wilson, Jesse (high school years)

Another gift I never expected came a few months ago.  Christy Wilson, author of The Serpent and the Sparrow, sent me a beautiful set of CD's that contain the hours and hours of interviews that she did with Christina in order to write that beautiful book about Christina's first two years of her cancer journey.  I sat in my kitchen and listened to a very articulate Christina describe in detail how she felt, what she thought, what she hoped for, and a thousand other little details.  These are recordings I have never heard.  My overwhelming response is absolute joy that her struggles are done and she is with Jesus.  I love having her voice fill my kitchen and I love being challenged by her focus of letting her life be known publicly so that Jesus can be made famous.  She shared everything freely, honestly--holding nothing back.  Wonderful.

This past week, I also had to rely on some video responses that Christina had allowed us to record back in April.  Someone asked me why Christina had to die so young and did not get to enjoy much of life.  I played Christina's response to the question, "What would you say to someone at your memorial service?"  She talked for about 10 minutes about this question but here are some little piece of her response--

"Have some pie.  It's probably good.  (laughter)  I think the main thing would probably be, for sure, I am so happy where I am.  If you could see what I'm seeing now, you would understand. Us being separated by death is the hard part but Jesus died so that we don't have to have that.  Don't be sad for me....Death is hard, because of that temporary separation but you have to know that I didn't come to an end and I am living the ultimate life.  Be not sad for me.  Ever.  I love all that life is...The blip of life on earth that we get to experience drawing us into Jesus--there is nothing more beautiful but then moving into eternity--there is no better place.  No better."

Such beautiful thoughts and magnificent gifts. 

 Lord, help me to see more of your generosity and goodness

 in all the hard things I pass through.  

You are truly present and powerful and more generous than I can imagine.

Turning the Corner Quickly

I have been away for a week and had time to look at one of Christina's journals from the fall of 2009.  She was two years into her cancer journey--one brain surgery completed and radiation done--and still very little energy.  My heart hurt as I read her words of frustration.  Here is a peek--

 "Wow, what do you have for me?  I can't even imagine.  Why am I alive, Father?  That's the hardest and most tender subject to my heart.  Why am I alive?  I want to live my life SOLD OUT for you...what is that supposed to look like?  Life can be exciting Father, just you and me.  Why am I all of a sudden feeling lonely and like I need companionship?  There is no doubt you are providing for me, Father.  I am so grateful.  But I still feel like somehow you must be disappointed in me.  How do we overcome this, Father?  How do I live in freedom, working hard, but being OK if it's not the results (financial independence) I was hoping for?"

And then...

"Jesus, let's do this thing! Let's thrive as a team.  Let's do things that strengthen me in You.  Let's try things that don't come easy.  I wonder if you want to speak to me through dreams.  I always thought that would be cool.  Lord, show me where to read in your word.  Show me how to pray.  Show me how to best spend my time.  I am excited to thrive together, Father.  Oh, how I need you. I love you!"

What challenges me, as the reader of her journal,  is the way Christina moved from deep struggle to deep trust in the space of one journal entry.  As I continue to read, I see the pattern.  Pour out the heart--especially the hard stuff.  And then turn to the Source of Life--Jesus.  Let His refreshment, His peace, His purpose flow in.  Turn the corner quickly.  Don't get lost in the dizzy swirl of confusion and struggle.  Reach out and grab the hand of the One who walks on water.

Another example--

"Oh life... What does everything mean?  Where do I go?  What do I do?  Where do I belong?  Do you have a purpose for me, Father?  Am I just taking up space?

I know you must have a plan Father, I just don't know what I'm striving for.  With limited energy, and limited funds...and not much clear direction...What is this supposed to look like?

I so trust your plan but I feel blind, or like maybe I'm missing something.  Lead me and I will follow, Lord.  I feel like right now I'm just guessing.  I love you.  I trust you."

And then this scripture written out in her journal--

"But you are a shield around me, O Lord; 

you bestow glory on me and lift up my head.

To the Lord I cry aloud, and He answers me from his holy hill.

I lie down and sleep; 

I wake again, because the Lord sustains me."

I think the thing that speaks to me so strongly is that she trusted her Jesus completely.  As I read one of her journal entries, I noticed the date--November 1st, 2009.  Exactly three years later, not only was she married, she was giving birth to her beautiful son, Isaiah.  She could never have guessed that portion of the story.  And before she got to that beautiful moment she had suffered a bout of deep depression brought on by an anti-seizure drug, another brain surgery, and a move back to Port Angeles to see if she could marry a wonderful young man.

No matter how confusing or difficult our journeys look, we only know a small part of the story. In my own life, I loved being Christina's mom.  That part of my life is now complete.  I wonder what God has in store.  What is my purpose?  What new adventures lie ahead?  I will join Christina in turning to the One who has my days numbered and live each one for Him.  

Again from Christina's journal...

"This moment is all we have!

It is all we are responsible for!

We can spend half our lives waiting for hard phases to pass and easy/good ones to come along. 

But then we've wasted....hmmm...half our life.

We are not granted tomorrow, meaning we are not guaranteed the next 'easy/good' phase we are waiting for.  So what does that make this moment--our last moment....absolutely empty.

How unbelievably sad...fear, disillusionment, neglect, avoidance, disengagement...

The cool thing about flourishing is, we don't have to just hunker down and 'survive' life..

• We get the choice to stand up, take in every moment, and THRIVE in it!
• We get to shine light in the darkest caves.
• We get to charge our fears with sword in hand.
• We get to be squished and then regrown.
• We get to stare ahead at a scary future with a pounding heart, trembling knees and a smile our faces wondering how in the world God is going to direct this journey for His glory."